I think I might be tripping.

So to all my followers the plans for my world domination have been declared. If you could tell me how you would like to be involved that would be greatly appreciated. But seriously world domination has been put on hold for the time being and perphase forever. Since November a great deal of things have been changing with me personally and around me, and it has only come to my attention recently exactly the things that I really want. The person I thought I was at nineteen or even twenty two isn't the same. Does time really define who we want to become, or circumstances, or maybe even something above.  What's strange to me and oddly welcoming is the things that I want in my life and or important to me aren't the same as they used to be. This is good, it just proves a little challenging sometimes to process. So much of my life, adult years included I struggled with the sense of I wanted to be in a world that wanted me to be exactly what they believed I should be. No this does not included my parents, my parents always made it very clear that as long as I was happy, safe, and had a steady income, I could basically do whatever I wanted.  However when people are learning about the world they assume that they ( A) either know all the answers, ( B) Don't have any idea or ( C) Try and live the way others want them to.
I used to be guilty of C. I didn't know until recently that the only approval I needed was my own. Every choice that I make for the most part is mine, and I own it.  Ironically though until recently I would freak about the choices that I would make and how they would be perceived, and as a result would make decisions that may or may not have been in the best interest of me. As a result of needing to feel that I pleased most people, I would become insanely hard on myself, and what I expected. As a result sometimes that might have swiped into other aspects or relationships. Everyone knows about the dark periods in my life I don't try and hide the fact that they happened, and sometimes they come rarely, but they come. I try and not focus on those because I feel they've been left behind.
What's been interesting is although being home from school since September have driven me slightly mad sometimes, I wonder what would of happened had God or whatever it was to step in and save me from myself? I don't have the answers to that or any idea, but I believe it would have been clautrospic. My health both mental and physical would have continued to decline greatly. School would have become some monster that I didn't enjoy anymore. Everyone knows that I'm hardcore academic, even though the grades may not show it. I feel like since I've been home that I'm healing from so many things. My journey is far from over.

 Everyday I wake up with the concept running in my mind, I'm alive, I'm loved, wanted, and I could just stop and those feelings wouldn't change. I believe once you learn that someone up above loves you, no matter what, it shines through you, and you radiate happiness in that area which allows us to feel happy with the person he created. You were created for a reason, flaws and all.  However I believe that because not only do i radiate that happiness, I'm deserving of the love that I find all around me. I'm blessed in so many ways, and lately when i think about how lucky I am, I start to cry. Tears of joy, and I don't do that. lol.

Things that I thought were lost, have returned to me, and I feel so happy, alive and full of hope. Everyday is a blessing. I wait for some pitfall from all of this, and rarely does it happen. My life isn't perfect there are things that are challenging, but I feel now that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Not that I didn't believe that before, I didn't take it to heart. The answers are shown to you in time, and without struggle the good isn't found or appreciated as much.

Feelings in every sense have changed, things that I thought would never happen, or feelings that I thought were dominate, returned and for once I'm really glad they didn't. Recently a person has come back into my life, and i really like the opportunity to try again. It's odd though maybe it's the fact that Kistin died and how it lingers with me, or maybe it's the fact that I was so on the dark side that we really see how fragile the life experience and life is. This said new/ old discovery of mine was involved in a car accident a couple of days ago. He was fine, but the whole time, I kept thinking what if he wasn't?  which lead to some interesting discoveries, involving a new lease on old feelings.
Rarely are we as people given a new lease on life, or an understanding of what it means in the important ways, and I got mine. So I guess the new lease entails marriage someday, adventures, friends, and hopefully things that make me happy those are the important things.