Farwell 2011

So with 2011 coming to a close and the new year impending, I'm compelled to step back and take a look at the year that's come and gone. I see the changes not only in myself with regards to growing up, but I see it in others as well. This year I've found things out about people that I didn't know before, friends moving to other states, the knowledge that my college graduation is only a matter of months away. I find 2011 may have been a challenging year, but through it all I found that I grew and changed. To say that I've figured out all of life would be incorrect, that is something I'm still working on. I still have absolutely no idea where my journey is, but I look forward to it. I've made discoveries when it comes to healing of the heart, mind and body, and as a result of these, many things have improved unlike they ever have before.  I've even started working with museums, writing papers, looking into a career break before I go back for Postbacs and graduate school. I've learned mistakes like probably wearing glasses if you own them, you have them for a reason.Hair is just hair, and bad hairstyles and all it will grow back. As a result of the changes that I encountered this year, I decided to make some changes of my own for the time being, but you'll all have to wait awhile to see exactly what I've done. It's quite different, and I'm learning exactly how to do it. 2012 I hope to accomplish and continue growing and exploring in new ways. So my friends as the color changes, I hope you all have had the best of years and the best of the holidays, and I will probably blog sometime in the future about things. So much is changing right now and I feel completed to present it.

Is the Cost of Beauty too high and what makes beauty?

Recently my friend Donna presented a link on you tube for a music video by Selena Gomez, "Who says".  The lyrics begin,
who saysI
wouldn't wanna be anybody else.
You made me insecure
Told me I wasn’t good enough
But who are you to judge
When you’re a diamond in the rough
I’m sure you got some things
You’d like to change about yourself
But when it comes to me
I wouldn’t want to be anybody else
I’m no beauty queen
I’m just beautiful me
You’ve got every right
To a beautiful life
C'mon
Who says
Who says you’re not perfect
Who says you’re not worth it
Who says you’re the only one that’s hurting
Trust me
That’s the price of beauty
Who says you’re not pretty
Who says you’re not beautiful
Who says
It’s such a funny thing
How nothing’s funny when it’s you
You tell ‘em what you mean
But they keep whiting out the truth
It’s like a work of art
That never gets to see the light
Keep you beneath the stars
Won’t let you touch the sky
I’m no beauty queen
I’m just beautiful me
You’ve got every right
To a beautiful life
C'mon
Who says
Who says you’re not perfect
Who says you’re not worth it
Who says you’re the only one that’s hurting
Trust me
That’s the price of beauty
Who says you’re not pretty
Who says you’re not beautiful
Who says
Who says you’re not start potential
Who says you’re not presidential
Who says you can’t be in movies
Listen to me, listen to me
Who says you don’t pass the test
Who says you can’t be the best
Who said, who said
Won’t you tell me who said that
Yeah, oh
Who says
Who says you’re not perfect
Who says you’re not worth it
Who says you’re the only one that’s hurting
Trust me
That’s the price of beauty
Who says you’re not pretty
Who says you’re not beautiful

The song ends on the note of complete empowerment for whomever is listening. I've always become aware of what people think is beautiful which is correct and realistic and the out aspect which is hazardous. I know myself that I struggle with self image and how there's the fact that I'm not a size zero, the fact that I am bigger then most, and the struggle that comes along with that, and my skin is always covered in acne in some form, or the fact that I wear glasses. Is beauty really something recently concocted by the fashion industry in order to gain more of a profit margin? Of course all young people try and be trendy to fit in, and feel like they belong, but I wonder if the cost of beauty is really too high. If you look at the rates of eating disorders, they're skyrocketing not just in girls but also boys, and they're longer and longer. I watched a documentary about an eight year old girl who was anorexic. An eight year old!! I also feel that as a society we're doomed, we live in a culture where the rate of obesity increases with every generation. So with the need to be thin even more important than ever to fit in and the rate of obesity going up, what is a child to do? They're doomed no matter what they do, in the ability to fit in.  I also believe that part of this problem is because of the media, making children grow up quicker then they should, childhood should be spent playing not figuring out how to find out if a guy likes you. I remember when I was little, I painted my finger nails because I thought it was pretty, and I liked the color, not to be more of a grown up. But then again I wonder if the people these little girls are modeling themselves on are actually beautiful. Our society is taught to view the tall, tan, toned woman with the blond hair to be the most beautiful, when historically pale skin and dark hair was considered a true testament of beauty. Is beauty become something that can be faked instead of something that naturally there?  And in that matter why does beauty even have to exist in the physical sense, everyone has something about themselves that they don't quite like, doesn't mean they're not beautiful, and who says that the person isn't beautiful. Beauty what most people consider is only skin deep, true beauty lies within someone's soul. True beauty is the inside of what makes the person live and tick, like if they're a giving person, qualities that make a good person are what truly makes a beautiful person, and in a world where those things are diapering, the need to see that beauty becomes increasingly important and makes it more valuable. I've seen someone of the most beautiful women physically, but inside they're shallow and vain, and lacking personality. And those who are ugly and unremarkable are truly magnificent people. And there are some beautiful people who really are beautiful inside and out, and there are ugly s who are truly ugly. When I die I'd like to hope that I was remembered for the good things I did  that made me beautiful, and not my physical appearance that the media determined pretty.

MY REVOULTION

Generally when we think of July we think of the United States and their indepence from Britian, France's stroming of the Bastile with Bastile day, but this July I've had my own battles and my own struggle for indepence. It seems like everything that can go wrong will go wrong. I guess that's the theme of this month when it comes to my life. First of all I've been finding that somethings trigger my notrious panic attacks, some of the things I can control and remove from my life others like my parents I can't. I know as young adults we're always looking to find our own sense of idnenity outside of our parental units, but what I've found challanging and a potenital battle is my Mother is leaning towards the same style I have. First it was the clothes, understandable and it didn't matter too much because she was once place and I was at another. But I've found that since she's started wearing Victoria Secret Makeup in colors I like, and basically doing her hair like mine, I find my sense of indepence a great deal like the American Revoultion, the struggle for indepence from the mother country. I do not wish to be like Britian, however there are somethings that I will keep because it's my backround, but much like the real Britian the mother country does not understand that I do not wish to be like her, and I want my own sense of idneity. Sure there are some cases where it is good to be like her, but dead god I always feel like it's chronic that I'm supposed to be her, particuallarly in times of stress. Like this afternoon she went off with my dad for the night, and I had to call her back home because I couldn't use the lock on the door, because the lock is evil. I tried and tried to make it work, and ulimately spent three hours crying after she came and went because I basically screwed everything up. Much like the Americans doing the revoultion I fear the mother country and I want to be able to declare my indepence. My mother is everywhere and I want my own grounds to stand on, where I don't always feel like I'm in her shadow and being her instead of me. Which is one of the reasons I'm tempted to delete my facebook because she's there and I so want a space apart from my parents that's all mine. My mom can be incrediably hard and sometimes I would love not to deal with that. I find it very hard to breath and relax since being home since December, and am counting down the days till my escape to school. At this rate I may not go home for Thanksgiving, I'm really not too sure.
My secound revoultion involved friends, and signficant others and a real assement of them. In the end I found that those who were my true friends gave a crap about me and cared the best that they knew how to. Of those friends I know that I can them anything even though I choose not to, they encourage it and I feel grateful beyond imagion to them, the others who simply did not try have been in away cast off, and reassessted in their aspects. People have different levels of friends, but I know the ones that I will keep without a doubt, and I never question that.
Since my relationship ended I found that I'm meant for greater and more meaningful things in a place where it actually matters truly to someone. So the Keith Harkin hunt continues once more, as if it ever stopped. And the more I learn about this famous, sexy man the more I realize I want to meet him. I think he and  I would be great friends at least. So my plans involve somehow meeting him and praying that the next time I'm free I can go see him in concert or maybe go to Ireland and find him. To the end of a relationship I find it rather mornic how it was ended, but alas I will continue on like I always do with my friends and my dreams. And that revolution was won of weeding out the bad seeds and finding out more of who I am. In the end I will be happy and those who lost me or hurt me will someday regret it. Karma's a bitch and there is a reason everyone likes me.

Is Loyalty Dead?

Since December I've been learning a great deal about myself, and what trully makes me the person I am. I think for the most part, I do an excellent job of managing everything, that is until something comes from a far that I didn't plan on. All I know is everything that I hoped for in people is competely gone, any sense of loyalty, sincereity, kindness, and everything like that is completely gone, even those whom you would think should poccess or care about the loyalty frankly don't. It's all about serving themselves and making themselves happy. I would think that caring about someone and trying to be a friend would be important enough, but I guess in the end to everyone else it's not. Yesterday and today I've found out who my true friends are and I find that few of them are actually true. For every ten that supposedly care, only one actually takes the time to listen to help. Even those who you would think would want to help, and are supposedly in love with you, continue the samethings without thinking about how their actions could hurt you. So in all reality no one actually cares about another. I think a great deal of changes have to occur this week. Loyalty to your friends or even signifiacant others must be dead in our society, but in all reality, little can be said about it if the person doesn't really care in the begining. All I know is I guess I'm cleaning out my closet, and there will be massive, massive cuts and changes. I don't expect alot or too much from people, but in all reality, if people are truly like this I'd rather be alone, or with those who actually care and don't want to hurt me. They take time to understand to listen. Friendship isn't a one way street, and maybe in some regards I'd like to fall back into a cave, at least I couldn't be hurt over and over again.

Thoughts

So it's been awhile since I've blogged. Really haven't had much to say, and there is also the fact the I have a vlog now, which has been intresting. For the record I plan on blogging and vlogging once a week for now. Might be less once school starts again in September. Evil papers and reading's I'm so not looking forward to that. 
In other news I broke or sprained my toe. Not my big toe or my pinky toe, which would prove disastrous, but no one of the middle toes. I think though that medical tape should be made pretty and with personality considering how easy it is to injury toes and require them to be taped.  Oh yes and I have been really thinking about classes in the Fall and papers. 

I wonder through what kind of topics will I have to choose from for my classes for papers. I'm guessing I'll have to write at least three seven to ten page papers next quarter, all in the lovely Turbian format. Got to love being a History Major with the damm Turbian/Chicago style. I think English major's have it easier, MLA never changes. But then again they do have to interberate stuff that's pretty trippy. Does that explain why alot of them go insane?  Not meaning to insult those dear friends of mine who are English majors. We all know I tried and it didn't work out. Dude like seriously I think I'm good with history, although the paper's may somewhat harder, at least there's noimplied meanings. It's man did something as a result, something happened. Even though we don't know the outcome or actual events until centuries later. Like really what went down with the crusades. It's like everything has a spin placed on it which showcases the best outcome or what is thought to make things appear right, but isn't necessarily the case. I guess that's pretty much everything that's going on lately. Not too much of anything just living through, Summer's almost here. Oh yeah the stupid dog peed on my bed again. This time instead of going outside first thing in the morning, oh no she's too lazy to go downstairs and go outside and pee. Lazy ass dog, washing all of my linen has now become a monthly chore. I was hoping to get away with not doing it as much. Yeah like that's going to happen. It's not like she never goes out. She goes out all the time.  Sure makes me miss the simplicities of only having a fish in my dorm, along with a lot of other things.

Stupid people.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about people and how stupid they can be. Stupid to me is a mess of things, most commonly linked with stupid acts people say and do. The other day my friend Beth and I were looking at the dumb laws of Washington State as well as Idaho were she lives. I have to say there's so very interesting things that are against the law. The two that popped out the most to me were I believe you had to tell a cop or something that you were having sex, and if you were having sex in your car the cop couldn't disturb you something like that. My personal favorite because I've done this many times is the licking of a lollypop as an illegal act. Wow I've broken the law numerous times without realizing. 

Another thought following the stupid laws was the idea of saying stupid things on Facebook or other areas where others can see them. Within the past couple of days one person has accused me of being high, insane, a lesbian, as well as questioning my sanity to make correct choices for myself. This person also seems to question the sanity of my friends because they act just like me. Now I believe everyone is entitled to their opinion, but at times opinions should be kept to themselves espically on some place like Facebook where all can see these words and things that are said.

I'm not going to say that I'm perfect, I say stupid things all the time, but I try really hard not to hurt people's feelings or say things publicly  To me a stupid person isn't necessarily the IQ of a person, but rather a person who thinks about their actions before they commit them and understand that words can hurt, and as well as the need to understand that different choices are simply that. Different choices, nothing wrong with that.

I guess a stupid person is a mean hearted, and spirtied person  for not having real reasons for saying the mean things that they unneccessarly.  This same person that insulted me a couple of days ago also claims to think that I'm crazy for being happy that Bin Laden's dead, and claiming I should rot in hell. Hey I admit that if I were a bigger person I would be able to do that, but I'm not. He created so much terror for not only us but the people of his country as well as murdering innocent people. If that makes me a bad person according to her, I'll be the bad person for being happy that someone that caused hardship and death for people is gone. He was like Hilter and the whole world was delighted when he was gone. 
So I guess what I'm saying is with the stupid laws and the stupid people they're always going to be around, but you as a person should try and find a balance of what works for you and what you consider stupid. Keeping in mind of course that it's not always so black and white. However meanness is unexceptionable for stupid people. 

I think I might be tripping.

So to all my followers the plans for my world domination have been declared. If you could tell me how you would like to be involved that would be greatly appreciated. But seriously world domination has been put on hold for the time being and perphase forever. Since November a great deal of things have been changing with me personally and around me, and it has only come to my attention recently exactly the things that I really want. The person I thought I was at nineteen or even twenty two isn't the same. Does time really define who we want to become, or circumstances, or maybe even something above.  What's strange to me and oddly welcoming is the things that I want in my life and or important to me aren't the same as they used to be. This is good, it just proves a little challenging sometimes to process. So much of my life, adult years included I struggled with the sense of I wanted to be in a world that wanted me to be exactly what they believed I should be. No this does not included my parents, my parents always made it very clear that as long as I was happy, safe, and had a steady income, I could basically do whatever I wanted.  However when people are learning about the world they assume that they ( A) either know all the answers, ( B) Don't have any idea or ( C) Try and live the way others want them to.
I used to be guilty of C. I didn't know until recently that the only approval I needed was my own. Every choice that I make for the most part is mine, and I own it.  Ironically though until recently I would freak about the choices that I would make and how they would be perceived, and as a result would make decisions that may or may not have been in the best interest of me. As a result of needing to feel that I pleased most people, I would become insanely hard on myself, and what I expected. As a result sometimes that might have swiped into other aspects or relationships. Everyone knows about the dark periods in my life I don't try and hide the fact that they happened, and sometimes they come rarely, but they come. I try and not focus on those because I feel they've been left behind.
What's been interesting is although being home from school since September have driven me slightly mad sometimes, I wonder what would of happened had God or whatever it was to step in and save me from myself? I don't have the answers to that or any idea, but I believe it would have been clautrospic. My health both mental and physical would have continued to decline greatly. School would have become some monster that I didn't enjoy anymore. Everyone knows that I'm hardcore academic, even though the grades may not show it. I feel like since I've been home that I'm healing from so many things. My journey is far from over.

 Everyday I wake up with the concept running in my mind, I'm alive, I'm loved, wanted, and I could just stop and those feelings wouldn't change. I believe once you learn that someone up above loves you, no matter what, it shines through you, and you radiate happiness in that area which allows us to feel happy with the person he created. You were created for a reason, flaws and all.  However I believe that because not only do i radiate that happiness, I'm deserving of the love that I find all around me. I'm blessed in so many ways, and lately when i think about how lucky I am, I start to cry. Tears of joy, and I don't do that. lol.

Things that I thought were lost, have returned to me, and I feel so happy, alive and full of hope. Everyday is a blessing. I wait for some pitfall from all of this, and rarely does it happen. My life isn't perfect there are things that are challenging, but I feel now that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Not that I didn't believe that before, I didn't take it to heart. The answers are shown to you in time, and without struggle the good isn't found or appreciated as much.

Feelings in every sense have changed, things that I thought would never happen, or feelings that I thought were dominate, returned and for once I'm really glad they didn't. Recently a person has come back into my life, and i really like the opportunity to try again. It's odd though maybe it's the fact that Kistin died and how it lingers with me, or maybe it's the fact that I was so on the dark side that we really see how fragile the life experience and life is. This said new/ old discovery of mine was involved in a car accident a couple of days ago. He was fine, but the whole time, I kept thinking what if he wasn't?  which lead to some interesting discoveries, involving a new lease on old feelings.
Rarely are we as people given a new lease on life, or an understanding of what it means in the important ways, and I got mine. So I guess the new lease entails marriage someday, adventures, friends, and hopefully things that make me happy those are the important things. 

Is Mulit-tasking good for relationships?

  In a world that requires us to always be on the run, have we lost the sense of connection with people simply because our energies are divided between more than one thing?  How does a person continue communication while needing to tackle the countless tasks and desires?  There are several things to consider.  Are you capable of accurately giving both tasks the attention they both need?  Can this be put off? Is this fair to the person on the receiving end?  I know I'm guilty of multi-tasking, a great deal of the time, however when a serious discussion occurs all attention is there's without a doubt. Do people mulit task because the other person on the other end is boring?  Only the person who is mulit tasking knows the answer. For me it depends on the situation. A great deal  of the time I do multi- task, and I'm really quite good at it.  However I believe that some things to do when mulit tasking which I cannot do, where as others can. One must keep in mind that because the person is mulit tasking does not mean they are boring or the person is a jerk. If you can accurately do the task to the full ability that you feel it. However the line proves more challenging with each person. Every person has different ideas of what they consider fair multi tasking and under what circumstances. What I or the person I would date would be different than Sasha down the street. It's all subjective. I trick remains knowing when something works for you and speaking up when something doesn't work for you.  Any key for successful relationships is saying I feel, without accusations. A dear friend of mine told me that, and it's very true. If you accuse your partner of doing something then the outcome is going to turn into a fight something that is not necessarily good.  These words I believe can be the form of communication that is insanely important in any successful relationship Instead of accusing say I feel.  This pharse nine times out of ten should work. I  understand  your multitasking but sometimes I  feel like you're not giving me  your full attention. I would also recommend thinking it over time, and weighing the options like if something was up and important, before talking. But in the end if you feel like your attention is not entirely there's, then say something. If the person in the end does not realize that you are important and are entitled to be happy in every sense that they can do. They may not be worth your time and you should be able to walk away. I believe a partner who can't understand how something makes you feel and wouldn't want you to be happy is worth walking away from. A perfect solution may not be achieved right away, but if you're important to them, than in the long run they will come to terms and understand why something made you feel that way. And hopefully it isn't you being boring which I highly doubt. Relationships work both ways and require constant communication in order for them to be successful. Without communication the relationship is bound to fail, and at worst end up being a one night stand.

Are relationships like shoes?

So I've been feeling the need to start a blog, for whatever reason. I've learned that I do things not because they make sense, but it's something for me to enjoy, thus than a blog. So my first entry starts on just random thoughts that have been continuing in my head, most of all lately I wonder about relationships, mostly like how does a person really know that this person is the one they're meant to spend the rest of their lives with? Aren't we all subject to having our eyes covered by the blindfold that is love. You see what you want to see, and maybe not what is necessarily true of that person. At that rate is love not really love, but a compromise of losing part of your sense of sanity and reality?  It's said that we give up things in every sense relationships, clothing, shoes, living locations for other amenities that present themselves to us, but are the things that we've lost worth it? Sometimes the little things are relatively unnoticeable and easy to  walk  around, where as others prove a little more daunting.  This can be said without a doubt with relationships. Much like shoes, the really really, cute ones are either incredibly difficult to walk in, insanely uncomfortable, expensive and impractical love and the choices that are made as a result of those shoes.  but yet so many people will leave the comfort and practical shoes for those adorable Betsey Johnston three inch heels with the leopard print, instead of going towards another shoe that costs less, is totally more comfortable and doesn't give you pain after wearing it for three minutes.  Do people really want a relationship that is like the shoe that seems so wonderful right now and close to what the person wants when they're young, because it's trendy. It seems everywhere that all women in the eighteen to twenty four year old age range want the same type of men, and men are guilty of the same. So is what relationships are looking for based on what is considered trendy? The man who has the hottest car looks like he comes from an Abercombie and Fitch catalog, because someone else said it was the best thing on earth? And as a result of choosing the less comfortable shoe/ relationship are you really choosing and being attracted to what you want or what society seems to think that you should view as the best looking man, souly on the way he looks without his shirt or or how a woman looks in a bathing suit. When did it become a negative not to be drop dead gorgeous and not to be a size zero?  It's as if people who do not fit our societies mold of what is considered the best are treated less deservedly than the rest because of what one person and one society deemed proper.  It is because of out obsession with dieting and skinny people that the eating disorders have developed in children so much younger. Girls and boys believe it or not sub come to the pressures and the need to be thin that they lose their whole entire childhood trying to be what all of us face as adults, but at this rate three year olds will begin to think that they're fat if this obsession otf being thin as the Betsey Johnston shoes which will not serve you your whole life though. Do men and woman only want a partner who fits the trendy mold, or do they want something more that will last longer like a girl who isn't the typical blond, skinny with big boobs, but rather, a brunette, with brains.