JOBS???????

It's sad that major life changes can determine a great about yourself, and that is so true. Recently I've encountered and still suffer from it, the mystery surrounding graduating from college. When a person finishes one avenue of their lives which they had for so long, its not surprising that they would lose focus and some sense of identity, and even to a point of facing depression.  Like my current identity crisis changing so does my hair. I know its always changing, but this time it's growing out.  In a economy where jobs are few and far between. Since I've been home, I've sent out a great deal of resumes, and I plan on filling out applications with hope of getting anything. Five years ago, jobs that I applied for I would have guaranteed simply with a bachelors, but God only knows where I'll end up. At this point I'd take almost anything, including working fast food, but even at this point, I think those jobs are even hard to come across then they had previously. I hate to say it there are times lately, when I regret going to college, but not finishing it. A bachelors is a huge deal, and it was a great deal of work, and sacrifices, times when I would of rather played or gone out drinking or having fun with friends, instead I was working on homework or studying. The question remains was the effort and the work ultimately worth the sacrifices? At this point with the resumes and having only two interviews that did not offer a job I feel frustrated, and stuck in a ruit. The next phase of my plan requires money, and I need a job for that, which is not there. Hopefully I find one sometime soon, which I'm hoping for fingers crossed, I'd like to get start on my paralegal classes, and finish up those sometime in the near future, but in a new world it's hard to say where the money will come from and if they'll be any. So I hope any of my fellow graduates that are coming up are aware of how challenging the economy and jobs are, and don't underestimate it. 

Undergrad complete!!!

So I did it. I finished College, and was awarded my degree this passing week. It feels strange in a way being finished. It's only been three weeks, but I've gone through a million different feelings, I was in shock at first, not quite sure that I'd actually accomplished this task that I began six years ago, to depressed that I was finished. Yes I admit that I got depressed, and strangely I'm not the only person whose felt that way before, particularly after finishing Undergraduate work. Now for once I'm actually at a normal place in my head for once, I'm actually quite proud of myself, still can't believe that I have a Bachelor's of Arts in History. The icing on the cake will come in two months for the actual ceremony in June where for the sake of celebration I'll be clad in crimson, and walking in the heat, and to make matters even more interesting I'm more then likely going to wear a dress. Oh my God I'm turning feminine. 
As I turn my head to my pending graduation and the arrival of my diploma, I think back to the person I was when I began this journey. I was an overweight angry eighteen year old who knew nothing about being happy, I did not know myself. I knew nothing about the world, well I thought I knew everything, but as the years came and went and I passed through higher and higher levels of education, I found myself becoming someone else, different then what I had begun to be.  Now I do realize that sure the same person I started out is there somewhat, but the lack of confidence, humility, and angry no longer seem important. Scars and wounds are healing to somewhat. I look back at everything I've learned in six years and I look at it now and realize its all lead me to me where I am. 
As to what my pending plans are I have a rough idea, and hopefully I'll be heading back to school in the Fall for my paralegal training certification. More then likely this won't be my long term plan, but it's a means to an end for the time being, and the rest is pretty standard, and in time getting out on my own, and having my license. I feel like having a bachelor's under my belt, I can do almost anything now. With the cap and gown ordered and the announcements on their way this marks that I have accomplished so much. I just wish I could of told this to my eight year old self, and believed in that a long time ago. 

Farwell 2011

So with 2011 coming to a close and the new year impending, I'm compelled to step back and take a look at the year that's come and gone. I see the changes not only in myself with regards to growing up, but I see it in others as well. This year I've found things out about people that I didn't know before, friends moving to other states, the knowledge that my college graduation is only a matter of months away. I find 2011 may have been a challenging year, but through it all I found that I grew and changed. To say that I've figured out all of life would be incorrect, that is something I'm still working on. I still have absolutely no idea where my journey is, but I look forward to it. I've made discoveries when it comes to healing of the heart, mind and body, and as a result of these, many things have improved unlike they ever have before.  I've even started working with museums, writing papers, looking into a career break before I go back for Postbacs and graduate school. I've learned mistakes like probably wearing glasses if you own them, you have them for a reason.Hair is just hair, and bad hairstyles and all it will grow back. As a result of the changes that I encountered this year, I decided to make some changes of my own for the time being, but you'll all have to wait awhile to see exactly what I've done. It's quite different, and I'm learning exactly how to do it. 2012 I hope to accomplish and continue growing and exploring in new ways. So my friends as the color changes, I hope you all have had the best of years and the best of the holidays, and I will probably blog sometime in the future about things. So much is changing right now and I feel completed to present it.

Is the Cost of Beauty too high and what makes beauty?

Recently my friend Donna presented a link on you tube for a music video by Selena Gomez, "Who says".  The lyrics begin,
who saysI
wouldn't wanna be anybody else.
You made me insecure
Told me I wasn’t good enough
But who are you to judge
When you’re a diamond in the rough
I’m sure you got some things
You’d like to change about yourself
But when it comes to me
I wouldn’t want to be anybody else
I’m no beauty queen
I’m just beautiful me
You’ve got every right
To a beautiful life
C'mon
Who says
Who says you’re not perfect
Who says you’re not worth it
Who says you’re the only one that’s hurting
Trust me
That’s the price of beauty
Who says you’re not pretty
Who says you’re not beautiful
Who says
It’s such a funny thing
How nothing’s funny when it’s you
You tell ‘em what you mean
But they keep whiting out the truth
It’s like a work of art
That never gets to see the light
Keep you beneath the stars
Won’t let you touch the sky
I’m no beauty queen
I’m just beautiful me
You’ve got every right
To a beautiful life
C'mon
Who says
Who says you’re not perfect
Who says you’re not worth it
Who says you’re the only one that’s hurting
Trust me
That’s the price of beauty
Who says you’re not pretty
Who says you’re not beautiful
Who says
Who says you’re not start potential
Who says you’re not presidential
Who says you can’t be in movies
Listen to me, listen to me
Who says you don’t pass the test
Who says you can’t be the best
Who said, who said
Won’t you tell me who said that
Yeah, oh
Who says
Who says you’re not perfect
Who says you’re not worth it
Who says you’re the only one that’s hurting
Trust me
That’s the price of beauty
Who says you’re not pretty
Who says you’re not beautiful

The song ends on the note of complete empowerment for whomever is listening. I've always become aware of what people think is beautiful which is correct and realistic and the out aspect which is hazardous. I know myself that I struggle with self image and how there's the fact that I'm not a size zero, the fact that I am bigger then most, and the struggle that comes along with that, and my skin is always covered in acne in some form, or the fact that I wear glasses. Is beauty really something recently concocted by the fashion industry in order to gain more of a profit margin? Of course all young people try and be trendy to fit in, and feel like they belong, but I wonder if the cost of beauty is really too high. If you look at the rates of eating disorders, they're skyrocketing not just in girls but also boys, and they're longer and longer. I watched a documentary about an eight year old girl who was anorexic. An eight year old!! I also feel that as a society we're doomed, we live in a culture where the rate of obesity increases with every generation. So with the need to be thin even more important than ever to fit in and the rate of obesity going up, what is a child to do? They're doomed no matter what they do, in the ability to fit in.  I also believe that part of this problem is because of the media, making children grow up quicker then they should, childhood should be spent playing not figuring out how to find out if a guy likes you. I remember when I was little, I painted my finger nails because I thought it was pretty, and I liked the color, not to be more of a grown up. But then again I wonder if the people these little girls are modeling themselves on are actually beautiful. Our society is taught to view the tall, tan, toned woman with the blond hair to be the most beautiful, when historically pale skin and dark hair was considered a true testament of beauty. Is beauty become something that can be faked instead of something that naturally there?  And in that matter why does beauty even have to exist in the physical sense, everyone has something about themselves that they don't quite like, doesn't mean they're not beautiful, and who says that the person isn't beautiful. Beauty what most people consider is only skin deep, true beauty lies within someone's soul. True beauty is the inside of what makes the person live and tick, like if they're a giving person, qualities that make a good person are what truly makes a beautiful person, and in a world where those things are diapering, the need to see that beauty becomes increasingly important and makes it more valuable. I've seen someone of the most beautiful women physically, but inside they're shallow and vain, and lacking personality. And those who are ugly and unremarkable are truly magnificent people. And there are some beautiful people who really are beautiful inside and out, and there are ugly s who are truly ugly. When I die I'd like to hope that I was remembered for the good things I did  that made me beautiful, and not my physical appearance that the media determined pretty.

MY REVOULTION

Generally when we think of July we think of the United States and their indepence from Britian, France's stroming of the Bastile with Bastile day, but this July I've had my own battles and my own struggle for indepence. It seems like everything that can go wrong will go wrong. I guess that's the theme of this month when it comes to my life. First of all I've been finding that somethings trigger my notrious panic attacks, some of the things I can control and remove from my life others like my parents I can't. I know as young adults we're always looking to find our own sense of idnenity outside of our parental units, but what I've found challanging and a potenital battle is my Mother is leaning towards the same style I have. First it was the clothes, understandable and it didn't matter too much because she was once place and I was at another. But I've found that since she's started wearing Victoria Secret Makeup in colors I like, and basically doing her hair like mine, I find my sense of indepence a great deal like the American Revoultion, the struggle for indepence from the mother country. I do not wish to be like Britian, however there are somethings that I will keep because it's my backround, but much like the real Britian the mother country does not understand that I do not wish to be like her, and I want my own sense of idneity. Sure there are some cases where it is good to be like her, but dead god I always feel like it's chronic that I'm supposed to be her, particuallarly in times of stress. Like this afternoon she went off with my dad for the night, and I had to call her back home because I couldn't use the lock on the door, because the lock is evil. I tried and tried to make it work, and ulimately spent three hours crying after she came and went because I basically screwed everything up. Much like the Americans doing the revoultion I fear the mother country and I want to be able to declare my indepence. My mother is everywhere and I want my own grounds to stand on, where I don't always feel like I'm in her shadow and being her instead of me. Which is one of the reasons I'm tempted to delete my facebook because she's there and I so want a space apart from my parents that's all mine. My mom can be incrediably hard and sometimes I would love not to deal with that. I find it very hard to breath and relax since being home since December, and am counting down the days till my escape to school. At this rate I may not go home for Thanksgiving, I'm really not too sure.
My secound revoultion involved friends, and signficant others and a real assement of them. In the end I found that those who were my true friends gave a crap about me and cared the best that they knew how to. Of those friends I know that I can them anything even though I choose not to, they encourage it and I feel grateful beyond imagion to them, the others who simply did not try have been in away cast off, and reassessted in their aspects. People have different levels of friends, but I know the ones that I will keep without a doubt, and I never question that.
Since my relationship ended I found that I'm meant for greater and more meaningful things in a place where it actually matters truly to someone. So the Keith Harkin hunt continues once more, as if it ever stopped. And the more I learn about this famous, sexy man the more I realize I want to meet him. I think he and  I would be great friends at least. So my plans involve somehow meeting him and praying that the next time I'm free I can go see him in concert or maybe go to Ireland and find him. To the end of a relationship I find it rather mornic how it was ended, but alas I will continue on like I always do with my friends and my dreams. And that revolution was won of weeding out the bad seeds and finding out more of who I am. In the end I will be happy and those who lost me or hurt me will someday regret it. Karma's a bitch and there is a reason everyone likes me.

Is Loyalty Dead?

Since December I've been learning a great deal about myself, and what trully makes me the person I am. I think for the most part, I do an excellent job of managing everything, that is until something comes from a far that I didn't plan on. All I know is everything that I hoped for in people is competely gone, any sense of loyalty, sincereity, kindness, and everything like that is completely gone, even those whom you would think should poccess or care about the loyalty frankly don't. It's all about serving themselves and making themselves happy. I would think that caring about someone and trying to be a friend would be important enough, but I guess in the end to everyone else it's not. Yesterday and today I've found out who my true friends are and I find that few of them are actually true. For every ten that supposedly care, only one actually takes the time to listen to help. Even those who you would think would want to help, and are supposedly in love with you, continue the samethings without thinking about how their actions could hurt you. So in all reality no one actually cares about another. I think a great deal of changes have to occur this week. Loyalty to your friends or even signifiacant others must be dead in our society, but in all reality, little can be said about it if the person doesn't really care in the begining. All I know is I guess I'm cleaning out my closet, and there will be massive, massive cuts and changes. I don't expect alot or too much from people, but in all reality, if people are truly like this I'd rather be alone, or with those who actually care and don't want to hurt me. They take time to understand to listen. Friendship isn't a one way street, and maybe in some regards I'd like to fall back into a cave, at least I couldn't be hurt over and over again.

Thoughts

So it's been awhile since I've blogged. Really haven't had much to say, and there is also the fact the I have a vlog now, which has been intresting. For the record I plan on blogging and vlogging once a week for now. Might be less once school starts again in September. Evil papers and reading's I'm so not looking forward to that. 
In other news I broke or sprained my toe. Not my big toe or my pinky toe, which would prove disastrous, but no one of the middle toes. I think though that medical tape should be made pretty and with personality considering how easy it is to injury toes and require them to be taped.  Oh yes and I have been really thinking about classes in the Fall and papers. 

I wonder through what kind of topics will I have to choose from for my classes for papers. I'm guessing I'll have to write at least three seven to ten page papers next quarter, all in the lovely Turbian format. Got to love being a History Major with the damm Turbian/Chicago style. I think English major's have it easier, MLA never changes. But then again they do have to interberate stuff that's pretty trippy. Does that explain why alot of them go insane?  Not meaning to insult those dear friends of mine who are English majors. We all know I tried and it didn't work out. Dude like seriously I think I'm good with history, although the paper's may somewhat harder, at least there's noimplied meanings. It's man did something as a result, something happened. Even though we don't know the outcome or actual events until centuries later. Like really what went down with the crusades. It's like everything has a spin placed on it which showcases the best outcome or what is thought to make things appear right, but isn't necessarily the case. I guess that's pretty much everything that's going on lately. Not too much of anything just living through, Summer's almost here. Oh yeah the stupid dog peed on my bed again. This time instead of going outside first thing in the morning, oh no she's too lazy to go downstairs and go outside and pee. Lazy ass dog, washing all of my linen has now become a monthly chore. I was hoping to get away with not doing it as much. Yeah like that's going to happen. It's not like she never goes out. She goes out all the time.  Sure makes me miss the simplicities of only having a fish in my dorm, along with a lot of other things.