I want to see you be brave. Danielle style.

I've spent the past couple of months searching for answers that I thought were my answers, but in all reality they were and are answers for others. Nothing wrong with those answers to the great questions of life, but they weren't and aren't mine. I've always done things in my own way, and my own time, despite what everyone says I forget that. I overcome great adversity, and difficulties, and arrive at the same place, but I do it in my own way. You could say that is true of anyone who wasn't blessed with the easiest lot in life, wither it be financial woes, abuse both emotional, psychological and physical, or like me being disabled. It's something that I choose to keep under wraps for fear that people won't give it the time or understand it, or as when I was a child would judge me for it, and it still occurs at times at places I've worked where some people have judged me for it, but not all, and much like my childhood, I thought I had to keep it wrapped up in a box, like it was some monster, and it was something to be ashamed of, when in all reality, I should be drawing pride from it, and what all I've accomplished despite it, and I will no longer let those who shamed me, have me keep it in the box like it has been for so many years. I have friends who struggle like I do, and they are out about their struggles, so I'm going to no longer pretend that there's something wrong with it. If you know me, you know that I am so much more than something I was born with, you base our friendships or relationships on knowing me, as a person, not anything else.

So I need help sometimes what's the big deal with that? Why can't something be bigger then myself? Why do I have to be afraid of myself and what people will think, when in all reality those who judge me, may of not been able to accomplish all of my successes. I'd rather not share the specifics of it, because it is a very complicated and intensive thing to explain , because that is still something I'd like to keep private, but all I can say is yes, I struggle, I struggle very hard some days, more then I let on, but I keep going, because I'm not ready to quit. I'm not ready to stop dreaming. Without those dreams, I won't have graduated from college, nor have dreams for a Masters, or be able to have one of the best cursive handwriting that I know, or be able to drive a car.  So now I'm looking down the road, and I will admit I have been struggling with what to fill my dreams with since the wedding ended, and I've been dreaming about that for a very long time. So now I will look towards owning the home of my dreams, maybe some day having a family, I think I'd like to adopt at least one kid, and of course I'd still love to save the world, and maybe publish a book a long the way. 

We lie to ourselves and others that we don't struggle, and believe that struggle is wrong, and something to be swept under the rug like it's nothing, but I'd like to move that we start working towards struggle is real, human and not something to be ashamed of. I'm tired of the idea of being like everyone else, because we as humans have the need to conform, conform to what? Someone else's ideas of what is considered correct? Then we're all going to continue living a lie, and hiding under the idea of the perfect person, who doesn't exist.  So I challenge all my friends to be honest about things, wither it be disability, or money. 

Those supposed perfect people who sit there and judge, probably secretly have a huge fault that they've got going on in their lives, but rather judge it in you, because they lack the ability to realize they're the ones with the huge short comings. I will say this for a disclaiming yes, there are some behaviors that are unacceptable, but if you have behaviors that don't hurt yourself or others, and they are judge, then "those" are the people who truly have a short coming. Much like the bullies from when we were kids. So I challenge you to wear and wave your flag high and proud if you have some short comings, just admit it, and those who judge just admit it you lack something for not understand  and just letting people be. So let's stand up for ourselves, and be brave, and take this long along for the ride. 

The one thing I do find without a doubt annoying is to use your short coming as a disability as a reason to excuse a poor social behavior, that isn't about social skills, but rather because you don't take the time to make the effort or follow through. Call it what it is, and don't hid behind it, I sure appreciate honesty, instead of living lies, and miscommunication is different. too so add to your list, if I can find a way around that you can too. Honest and bravery, and for people to stop being stupid are huge, then maybe we can all start being brave and stop trying to save face, for what reason? I'd rather not live a lie anymore, some lies, or hiding can be too big to carry I've lifted that weight and I feel better then I have in a long time.

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle 'neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody's been there, everybody's been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don't run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Innocence, your history of silence
Won't do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don't you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
See you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

Poetic Wanderlust.

It's a eve of the day of my birth, which yes if any of you remember yes tomorrow is the ides of March, the day that Caesar was brutally murdered. I used to find that funny, because I am unpredictable in a sense, but now frankly I can't stand, it's only funny the first a hundred times, someone comes up with it, much like the idea of my last name can actually be turned into a word. Everyone thinks it's so cleaver and funny, in all reality it's been over done. 
Every year when my birthday comes, I stop and look back at a year's progress of where I was a year ago, and hope that I've made good choices, and the rights ones, and grown along the way, and I have for the most part. There however is one piece missing or a huge urge that can't seem to be fulfilled, and it makes it all the more important that I work towards it. I will be honest, and not to be blunt, and intentionally hurtful, but there really is very little holding me to staying in Washington. To be honest there are very few people that I consider worth staying around for, and you might be surprised. I think the concept of friendship is lost on many after college or even in our adult years, a sense of loyalty, and effort seems to lacking with many. All I know is with the past month, I have not found much support, or friendship or effort made from supposed friends up here, I often times I have found intolerance, or feelings falling on death ears, which only strengthens my need to move on.
I dream of being in a place, where it isn't nearly impossible to find a job, or a place to fit in, and where people are friendly, and warm, actually try and keep a friendship alive, out of love, and not convenience. I keep asking myself, and most of you should ask this to yourself s, other than those who have an insane amount going on in their lives, and with little time for pleasure, how I speak more with that person, and someone who works full time, has a child, and lives on the other side of the country with a three hour time difference, then I do with most local Washingtonians? Or if the tables were turned and I was swamped, I'd always manage to make the effort, or realize my own actions and how they affect people? I can't be the only one in this world, out there, but I don't think people are generally like that in Washington. So thus leads into my need for my as I call it Poetic wanderlust, and I need to find people out there where I truly feel at home. A move is a start to another part of the state, and ulimtately somewhere else in the county. 

Year in Review and some changes

It's hard to believe it's been almost a year since I wrote a blog, that's alarming to me. Have I really gotten that far away from where I was a year ago?
What can I say about 2015, it's been a whirlwind to say the least, a growing experience, full of changes, successes and ultimately changes.
I started the year out in a bad place, because I was convinced that I was nothing without having a job, and was convinced that I had to prove to the world my worth, despite, having legitimate reasons as to why it was difficult.
After awhile I got so sick of being in a dark and twisty place, I stopped being me, and I became what I thought I was supposed to be, someone driven by money and success. I'd forgotten the rest of the story, the dreams, having funny, making the world a better place. I got lost in the shuffle, and went down hill.
I needed closure before I got married and ultimately contacted my ex, and in the end I was so glad that I had moved past him and on to someone loads better, kinder and sweeter even if he still does drive me mad, this is the man I'm supposed to marry, the man who does everything in the entire world for me, and even bribes me.
In March this year I started volunteering at an animal shelter, which made the world of difference, but I had to give that up.  About that time I went to a job fair, where ultimately I did find a temporary job, which I liked at the time, but I guess I was so focused on just being happy at the time it didn't matter, because it was giving me a sense of control.
Fast forward to May, when all of the wedding planning and events really started, my wedding dress had arrived and all the alternations were finished, my mom had my convinced for three months that the dress wouldn't fit, yeah it fit just fine, but due to the stress of planning a wedding and working forty hours a week, I think I went a little crazy, but through out it all I found out that I had some of the most amazing people in my world, from family to friends, each and everyone managed to make it a very special time for me my wedding shower ended up being a potluck in the park, with tequila of course, very earthy like me, my bacherelette party  in June was going out to eat at Red Robin, drinking way too much, and spending the night at a hotel, and going shopping in the morning. I only wish I didn't have to work for four hours the day before, looking back I should of asked for the day off.
Then came the madness of July and the wedding, somehow it managed to go over with few hitches, there were issues with the bridesmaids dresses, the room issues people telling us they had found out different lodgings, and we scrambled to cover those rooms,  almost missing the ferry the day before the wedding, and the cake falling over on the way to the island.
Well the room got fixed and we learned a lot about those people, a new cake was assembled on the island the following morning, things were said and done at the wedding, and true friends were found out all and all.
We changed the honeymoon to go to Montana instead of camping on Orcas Island. Ryan my brother had a baby with his wife in October, here and now the holidays and the end of the year are upon us, and I am looking to put my two weeks notice in at my job, and find something better, the over time has become too much to bare, so here's to changes in the new year, and finding time to exercise.

So here's to the closing of 2015 and I'm about to go out the door drop the letter in the box take a shower and go to bed, and I'm coming home tomorrow to write the letter to give to work in person and give it on Thursday, and walk away in almost two weeks.
Yay for postive changes.

Reflection of Current events.

It's funny, how at the time you think if this one instance doesn't happen, your life is over forever. I guess, I can say that a lot. When things haven't worked out with guys I've dated, to name a few mostly my North Carolina endeavors. Jeremy didn't work for a reason, granted I enjoyed him a great deal, may of even fallen in love with him, it's hard to say what it really was, since it was almost ten years ago. My attempt to ( and my college friends from Blue Ridge will nod their heads at this insanity, did I say I was sorry enough for that, and thank you for bearing with me.) romance Scott this weird dude from a Drama class, which oh my god what was I thinking, Nancy, Erin and Shannon I owe you guys something next time I'm in Hendersonville just for dealing with me. I also think of John the guy I dated on and off for a long time, even though I thought we were meant to be, things happened that showed the true meaning of fate, I only wish I had not been the receiver of so much of his hurt and pain over and over again, to the point where he hurt me so much that I can't even consider him a friend, chance after chance he still managed to hurt and disappoint even at the friendship level.   I wish I could be that type of person, but he gave me nothing to work with.

Maybe I was stupid, maybe I wanted to believe something was there, that wasn't, it's hard to say. To be honest, if you'd asked me who I was going to end up with seven months away from getting married five years ago, I honestly would of believed it to be John. Funny though college made me grow up, and change, I learned to see the world differently, I learned that as long as I had friends and family who loved me that I didn't need a relationship unless it was something I really felt was right. Although I think he is now dating a former friend of mine, whom I had parted ways with, hmmm, yeah I win, I've moved on, more or less this is a reflection of my thoughts since no one really reads my blogs anymore. I guess I'm a bigone from the past.

Well I graduated from college, turns out along the way I'd fallen head over heels for the person I never thought I would, enter Matt Farncomb. I cannot begin to describe the ways he makes me feel or what he alone just by being himself does for me. I feel safe, loved, wanted, and the fuzzies never leave. I can fight with him about stupid things and believe me they're stupid, and in the end know that we're always good. I took his question of being his wife very seriously, and in the end, I know I've found the partner for the journey. He gets me, in ways that I cannot even begin to understand. Matt often says it's like when we met our souls were talking, like we'd known each other forever.  I'm not sure if we had love at first sight, but there was something that neither one of us still understands. Our lives have passed each other numerous times through out our childhood, from Poulsbo, Vashon Island, Olympic College, Central Washington University, and ultimately the basement of our dorm. Matt made a last minute decision to change his dorms that year, and maybe that was fate saying ok, dude you're going to met the woman you're going to spend the rest of your life with.

So here we are about seven and a half months away from our wedding, and I am elated, excited and nervous as all get up to get to that day. A part of me thinks the day won't come even though, I know it will, it's hard to wait for something when you've been waiting for ever for it without knowing.

I welcome happiness to follow those relationships that did not work out, and I honestly hope that they get the things the deserve both good and bad. I have to say I'm fairly cretin most of those guys are leading happy lives, but then again they were upstanding. I can't say that if I ever came across Jeremy or Scott or some of the others I would be mean rather happy to see them, and be happy in my own life. with my future looming.

Also I think what goes around comes around, I just hope those get karma so they learn the lesson and don't hurt others along the way.

B 12 and the lack there of it.

A month ago, I went in to see the doctor about anxiety preventing me from sleeping, and controlling my life in every single aspect you can think of. At this point, I had tried almost every naturalpathic alternative, simply because I don't believe that pharmacial solutions work for me. I've tried countless prescriptions since I was fourteen, and nothing ever works. I could list them all, but then I'd probably spell all of them wrong, and it's been such a long time since I've been on some of them. Let me see if I can remember some of them, there's been Depocote, Cexela, Gabapetin, Cylert, Cymbalta, Lamitical, and the most recent of Closopine, or something like that, and that's just off the top of my head. 
Needless to say, because of the type of doctor I selected for this purpose is that she is centered on naturalpathic, and alternative forms of treatment. What started out as a belief that I didn't have enough Vitim D in my diet, which links to mood, turned out through lab work, that I don't absorb vitiam B12, which basically means that my body doesn't break down food at points to create energy for my body. I was reading somewhere that it's kind of like anemia, only instead of the lack of iron in the blood, a person doesn't get the energy compounds through food in their diet. 
Truth is unlike Anemia, there is no trick and quick answer, I will probably have to take supplements or receive shots once a month for the rest of my life, but I'm finding that taking the b12 is actually giving me energy like I haven't had in a very long time, I can keep going, even when I think I can't. So let's just hope the supplements work, and when I go in for lab work next month, that I won't be required to take the shots, but I do need to have blood work every three months, boy, I guess if I have to be unique, I guess I'm going to be unique with my heath concerns. 
But this sure beats anything else that could go wrong, and that would explain why for the longest time I was so foggy, and I'm slowly getting back to where I was before. Weird huh? 
Anyways that's all for now, I'll write another blog sometime soon, things are happening and changing for me, and I look forward to it. 

I had toxic mold and lived through it.

Hey Guys, 
Sorry it's been so long since I blogged a good couple of months. I think the last time I blogged was back in December, but I can't remember. Before February is a fog, but it is true with actual legitimate reasons. Our former apartment in Edmonds had black toxic mold that was hidden under the carpet and in the walls or so we suspect. It was strange how different we both were acting, so unlike ourselves, but once we would leave the apartment things would become like they had been before. That place is just bad, there was a neighbor lady who lived upstairs, who was too involved and felt like stranger danger, and Matt and her became friends, and she almost broke us up. That apartment complex has bad Juju and things were always happening there, strange things. It never felt right, it was full of anger and sadness. Those strange things never seem to happen here, I mean there are weird things, like an ipod turning on at 6 in the morning, but other than that, really nothing. 
The mold at the other apartment  made both of us irrational, illogical, tired, unreasonable, and a bunch of other things that near tore us apart over something that was chemical kind of crazy. We tired the best we could to keep the mold at bay, but it was insanely difficult since it was hiding, and at this point we'd already made plans to leave. In December we found another apartment that we actually liked, and couldn't wait until February to get the keys and move in. The last two months drifted by slowly, and then before we knew it we were leaving the other apartment. Granted we did have to leave the couch behind, it was kind of ok, because we're both getting our health back, Matt seems to get it back quicker than I did, but I think he's a little harder then I am, but we're getting there. 
So the wedding's still on, for July of next year, still have no idea where at this point other then it's going to be in the United States and probably in Washington, I did find the dress, and I'm getting an idea for the rest. 
But I guess what makes me pause lately is I've been recieving contacts from people from my past, and I get the impression that they are only contacting me with the need for a hook up or because their own lives are lacking, these would be former people I have dated, and granted they have claimed not to be that way, it's the only thing that makes sense. It makes me wonder is that how people see me as incapable of being engaged or being married?  It's funny the other day when I went with my friend Allie to get Chinese food, I got a fournte cookie with the fountune, being you can't live in your past, but rather your future, and to live for it. That is so true, my future is Matt and being married. The only difference now is that I would be married and share my life with someone that's it. I would still have the same freedom as I always do. In fact Matt only advises against things, if they seem bad, or uncomfortable. Kids we still don't know I'd like to stop being so frail and get back my health like I did in college, and I'm getting there, or at least trying, baby steps. 
I mean things with life and relationships are always hard, and I know with things that go on in my brain, I get overwhelmed, and being in my twenties I have no idea where the answers are and what they are, but I have found someone to take along for the journey anywhere except South Africa which apparently is too dangerous and too far. Ok... so no being apart of former apartheid, let's see if I can go for Ireland. Fingers crossed. 

My World....

  My family tells me all the time that I have a gift for words, and maybe it's part of my curse. My curse makes me think different for the good and the bad. I see the world different, and some may say I'm behind, slow, while others believe that those with my curse are gifted. I choose to believe that I'm like Albert Einstein, only instead of Aspurgers and math, mine's with creativity. I have so much creativity, that seventy five percent of the time, I have no idea what to do with it. I have a disability, plain and simple. One wouldn't know looking at me, or interacting with me for the most part, but if you know me, and know me well enough, after awhile you notice that I do things different. My disability isn't what most people would consider "physical". To some a physical limitation is something you can see, like being in a wheelchair, having Downs Syndrome, missing a limb, or a million others. But just because you can't necessarily  see a difficulty or a challenge, doesn't mean it's not there. I guess why I'm needing and wanting to write this blog, is I'm tired of pretending that there's something wrong with me, and I should hide it. I spent my life, trying to be like everyone else, because I thought it was the best thing, and to be hidden from the rest of the world. My mom would always try and encourage to me to tell whomever I wanted, because it was my choice, and my business, but while still maintaining the idea that nothing was wrong with it. But kids were also cruel about it, and still are. In fact I've met a great deal of adults even people in their fifties who judge it and are cruel. These are the types of people who would may make fun of a disabled checker in a grocery store. I can hide it if I want, but why should I. I didn't choose this, and I don't think I should be blamed for it. 

So what I have plain and simple, but it's a complex and pretty all encompassing idea of how to be disabled. There are several terms which all coincide with each of them. The first is a little called a Sensory Processing Disorder, which basically means that messages in my brain get congested, and the response time is often times later than it would be with normal people. This affects me in numerous ways it affects my processing of information, such as when I would write papers, I would have great ideas about what I wanted to say, but I always had trouble figuring out where the information went in a timeline. When my brain learns new information, it basically has to reroute where the information will be store, and then to unearth the information at a later time, requires more effort and energy as well.  But it's not only through abstract thoughts such as math, but reading was hard for me to learn how to do when I was a kid. Often times my parents would break down information into little bits, so I could chew it better and bit by bit I learned the same material it just took longer.

Organization skills are effected as well such as time management, which is hard sometimes, organizing my things, and keeping a room clean. 

That being said, the processing disorder also affects movement, and signals from the brain, which is where my Fine Motor and Gross Motor Delays come in. My reactions to any movement are actually slower, and take my brain twice as much effort as anyone else. Any physical movement, and you name it takes my brain twice as much effort to do, even walking or sitting up in a chair. I remember when I was a kid, I would have to sit in chairs that had arms to help me sit up straight. I've always had to have note takes, and extended time on tests, because the information has to reroute, and it takes longer for me to be able to access that information in my head. I can't study for very long, otherwise I get overloaded with all the information.

Some people( whom shall not be named) believe that because I have issues, and things to work on that I'm a waste of space, but everyone has issues according to them. I feel like that line is a bunch of bull shit, and what you say, when you're hiding a flaw within yourself and you need to scapegoat it. If you took the time to know me and learn what the hell happens in my head, or why I do strange things maybe you'd get it more. And you'd also realize that Dear God, my default is being happy, and getting into trouble. I'm not something to be pitied, I hate pity. I've always hated it. I can do pretty much everything everyone else can, but I have to do it in my own time and my own way. 

I feel frustrated that people just assume that I'm this weird person, when in a reality, I'm actually pretty normal, I've had to learn how to do things a little different. I graduated from college, which no one believed I would be able to do even when I was little. No one thought that I would be able to have beautiful handwriting that I would be regulated to typing on a computer, which I do pride myself on how quick I am. People thought that I would never learn how to drive a car, but I'm working on that. I get to places on my own. Oh yeah and I was never supposed to be able to ride a bike, yeah I do that too.

The last part that I'm sure people will never understand, nor will they care, they will continue to judge is my disability also affects how I see the world, often times when I'm overloaded or feel pressure I turn it inward and believe its a fault with me. If I have too much of this I go inside myself. If there's too much going on in a situation, often times it can be too much. Everything in life both abstract, or physical has to be processed and it takes me twice as long. Even my emotions, and relationships can be scary and hard because I'm basically having to learn how another person thinks, and they can be completely different and that's still more information to take in.

But bottom line don't pity, try and understand, and don't think you have the answers or know everything when you don't. IN THE END YOU HAVE NO IDEA UNLESS YOU ASK ABOUT IT, INSTEAD OF JUDGING SOMETHING THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.