My World....

  My family tells me all the time that I have a gift for words, and maybe it's part of my curse. My curse makes me think different for the good and the bad. I see the world different, and some may say I'm behind, slow, while others believe that those with my curse are gifted. I choose to believe that I'm like Albert Einstein, only instead of Aspurgers and math, mine's with creativity. I have so much creativity, that seventy five percent of the time, I have no idea what to do with it. I have a disability, plain and simple. One wouldn't know looking at me, or interacting with me for the most part, but if you know me, and know me well enough, after awhile you notice that I do things different. My disability isn't what most people would consider "physical". To some a physical limitation is something you can see, like being in a wheelchair, having Downs Syndrome, missing a limb, or a million others. But just because you can't necessarily  see a difficulty or a challenge, doesn't mean it's not there. I guess why I'm needing and wanting to write this blog, is I'm tired of pretending that there's something wrong with me, and I should hide it. I spent my life, trying to be like everyone else, because I thought it was the best thing, and to be hidden from the rest of the world. My mom would always try and encourage to me to tell whomever I wanted, because it was my choice, and my business, but while still maintaining the idea that nothing was wrong with it. But kids were also cruel about it, and still are. In fact I've met a great deal of adults even people in their fifties who judge it and are cruel. These are the types of people who would may make fun of a disabled checker in a grocery store. I can hide it if I want, but why should I. I didn't choose this, and I don't think I should be blamed for it. 

So what I have plain and simple, but it's a complex and pretty all encompassing idea of how to be disabled. There are several terms which all coincide with each of them. The first is a little called a Sensory Processing Disorder, which basically means that messages in my brain get congested, and the response time is often times later than it would be with normal people. This affects me in numerous ways it affects my processing of information, such as when I would write papers, I would have great ideas about what I wanted to say, but I always had trouble figuring out where the information went in a timeline. When my brain learns new information, it basically has to reroute where the information will be store, and then to unearth the information at a later time, requires more effort and energy as well.  But it's not only through abstract thoughts such as math, but reading was hard for me to learn how to do when I was a kid. Often times my parents would break down information into little bits, so I could chew it better and bit by bit I learned the same material it just took longer.

Organization skills are effected as well such as time management, which is hard sometimes, organizing my things, and keeping a room clean. 

That being said, the processing disorder also affects movement, and signals from the brain, which is where my Fine Motor and Gross Motor Delays come in. My reactions to any movement are actually slower, and take my brain twice as much effort as anyone else. Any physical movement, and you name it takes my brain twice as much effort to do, even walking or sitting up in a chair. I remember when I was a kid, I would have to sit in chairs that had arms to help me sit up straight. I've always had to have note takes, and extended time on tests, because the information has to reroute, and it takes longer for me to be able to access that information in my head. I can't study for very long, otherwise I get overloaded with all the information.

Some people( whom shall not be named) believe that because I have issues, and things to work on that I'm a waste of space, but everyone has issues according to them. I feel like that line is a bunch of bull shit, and what you say, when you're hiding a flaw within yourself and you need to scapegoat it. If you took the time to know me and learn what the hell happens in my head, or why I do strange things maybe you'd get it more. And you'd also realize that Dear God, my default is being happy, and getting into trouble. I'm not something to be pitied, I hate pity. I've always hated it. I can do pretty much everything everyone else can, but I have to do it in my own time and my own way. 

I feel frustrated that people just assume that I'm this weird person, when in a reality, I'm actually pretty normal, I've had to learn how to do things a little different. I graduated from college, which no one believed I would be able to do even when I was little. No one thought that I would be able to have beautiful handwriting that I would be regulated to typing on a computer, which I do pride myself on how quick I am. People thought that I would never learn how to drive a car, but I'm working on that. I get to places on my own. Oh yeah and I was never supposed to be able to ride a bike, yeah I do that too.

The last part that I'm sure people will never understand, nor will they care, they will continue to judge is my disability also affects how I see the world, often times when I'm overloaded or feel pressure I turn it inward and believe its a fault with me. If I have too much of this I go inside myself. If there's too much going on in a situation, often times it can be too much. Everything in life both abstract, or physical has to be processed and it takes me twice as long. Even my emotions, and relationships can be scary and hard because I'm basically having to learn how another person thinks, and they can be completely different and that's still more information to take in.

But bottom line don't pity, try and understand, and don't think you have the answers or know everything when you don't. IN THE END YOU HAVE NO IDEA UNLESS YOU ASK ABOUT IT, INSTEAD OF JUDGING SOMETHING THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

A Fairy Tale

Once Upon A Time, there lived a beautiful princess. Ok she wasn't actually a princess, but her parents deemed her one, not because of her beauty, but because she brought so much love and joy into their lives. She was the essence of what a little girls should be. She was sweet, loving, kind, loved animals, and had a sense of spunk to her, which always got her into situations that were funny and entertaining in the end. 
Life wasn't always easy for the princess, her parents or her older brother there were many battles that had to be won in order to continue on, but the little family in the kingdom fought together and carried on. The king and queen loved the prince and princess so much so that they would give up anything for them, and often times, they themselves went without. The prince and princess had the best of food, health care, good clothing, shoes, you name it. They always had everything they needed, they didn't always get what they wanted, but they never went without for the things they needed. 
The king often times would slave at a job that he hated, so the queen could stay and take care of the children and give them the best of everything. You see the prince and princess had a lot of things that they themselves had to deal with, between food allergies that were extremely debilitating, to disabilities  and so many things in between  Despite all of that the little family carried on, happy in their own little world, loving each other and caring about each other. 
Time went on, the family move different places, the children tried different schools. Every time a place for whatever reason would not work, like a home, or a school for both of the children, the king and queen would step back and figure out how to improve the lives of their children. But the king and queen did more then just fix things and comfort when things were horribly bad, they were always there for them, the good times, and the bad. 
The family laughed together, cried, fought for the others, and all of them were proud that they were linked. No one in the family was anything less than deserving to be in their little kingdom. 
The king and queen grew old as their children grew up, and as the current economy tanked, and they were not where they would of been if they had not had their children financially  often times as their children achieved milestones such as graduating college, or becoming who they were supposed to be, the parents grew more and more proud of the prince and princess. 
The prince meet a wonderful maiden  and feel madly in love with her. The two of them married and lived happily ever after. 
Although the princess was slower then the prince with finishing things, there was nothing but love and respect from all for the princess for all the good that she did and all that she achieved when she had such difficulties in the beginning. 
She truly was a princess beloved by all, and sure she made mistakes and messed up, but in the end she knew that she was loved and wanted always. The parents that she had received in the end only looked up at pride at her, not just because of all that she had accomplished, but who she had become. The princess had to give most of the credit to the family she had growing up, and the family and friends that have always backed her to give her strength to get through anything and make her strong. 
The princess would wade through whatever storms that would come her way, and in the end the princess would be happy because she knew that the most important part of her life would always exist  and that would be love. Love from family and friends, deep love that she deserved because of who she was, and how she treated people, and it wouldn't matter what others thought because in the end she would know where and who she was. The people that knew and loved her would always be with her forever. 

Life , an update

It's hard to believe that a year has passed since I last blogged, and truth is it has nothing to do with the lack of followers. Maybe in the beginning, but I feel the need to write.... To write for me and where my life is going. To look back and see all the changes since last May is insane. 
I thought things would be one way, but its funny how when you think something that is supposed to happen doesn't and instead you're left with this even more magical surprise. 
So I've had a job for over six months, that I never thought in a million years that I could do, and for the most part I can, but I'm growing weary of it. Maybe its the lack of security surrounding it, or maybe I'm ready for yet another adventure. I worked through Christmas  I could say my opinions about the job, but I won't. I think it says enough that I'm ready for something more.
I turned twenty five and that I guess triggered the rest of everything needing to be different. I mean I'm actually engaged to my best friend, whom a year ago I never thought I would of dated. I thought that oh it's just my sister. Funny how that all turns out, but maybe in a way, not putting any pressure on a relationship  and letting it be whatever it's going to be in its own time, is the important  part. Without pressure, without expectations  without anything, but enjoying the moment.  So I could go into the details on how it occurred but that's another story, but I'm sure in the moments to come, everyone will hear it. 
The wedding won't be for awhile since we need to get an apartment first ,so we're thinking July 11, 2015. And we also know how long it will take me to find whatever I want, and figure it out. 
So that's it all in a nutshell, and maybe I don't have any many opinions as I used to, but I have dreams, and plans, which make a difference. I'm also taking a test for a permit next week, 

Summer and Nudity.

So as summer draws closer there's three things that seem to come to my mind. The first being what the hell happens to my hair? It's like I develop a large Afro, and I'm white, and the Jewish part of me is so small that I don't think it counts. So I'm stuck with large amount of hair that always seems to be frizzy, and thick. Plans on this summer hair is staying in a pony tale if I don't hack it all off at any rate. The second thing is the discovery of blended drinks when the weather is quite warm, the need for margaritas, daiquiris, Pina Colodas and other blended drinks and the all importance of an ice cold brew-ski. 
The third thing that comes to mind to me lately seems the most important. Perhaps it's because  made my special iced tea which I make every summer this afternoon. Did I also mention I put a crap load of honey in it, so I'm basically high off sugar every time I en jest my magical iced tea. But before my sidetrack my last thought was the idea of clothing. When I was visiting my mom's family in San Diego last month my Aunt told me about a guy who was arrested for running around naked, and publicly pleasuring himself.  Why can't we in our society run around naked especially during the summer months when it's insanely hot. The pleasuring oneself is completely fine for illegal activity. What is the big freaking deal with clothing? Are we as a society so afraid of our own bodies that because we're not model thin that we should bury ourselves away for propriety sake. It's not like seeing women or male naked isn't something we haven't seen before. In Europe nudity isn't that uncommon, little kids grow up seeing it. Are we as society so afraid of one's own potential sexuality that seeing other members of the human race naked is simply a bad thing? I feel that nudity is the human body we see representations of it in movies in textbooks, and the illusion of it, so why is it so bad to see a naked man or woman? I understand why rating in films are PG-13 or R because its relating to sex, which in my opinion is something very private and personal, but to see a naked person yeah it's not your attracted to them all the time, but I just don't understand what the big deal is.
You look in other cultures and you see naked women and naked men and its a part of their culture, why is nudity something wrong? As such I think we as Americans and even to an extent as Europeans fear our sexuality and don't embrace it. There just body parts. If I see a naked person for it's men, but not everyone sets me off, so therefore why is the need to cover up so great? I think we as a people should embrace what was given to us, and not have to hide it behind clothing, or be restricted because of one person's insecurities, and instead walk around naked. Incident exposure should not be illegal, but other acts should continue to be illegal.

JOBS???????

It's sad that major life changes can determine a great about yourself, and that is so true. Recently I've encountered and still suffer from it, the mystery surrounding graduating from college. When a person finishes one avenue of their lives which they had for so long, its not surprising that they would lose focus and some sense of identity, and even to a point of facing depression.  Like my current identity crisis changing so does my hair. I know its always changing, but this time it's growing out.  In a economy where jobs are few and far between. Since I've been home, I've sent out a great deal of resumes, and I plan on filling out applications with hope of getting anything. Five years ago, jobs that I applied for I would have guaranteed simply with a bachelors, but God only knows where I'll end up. At this point I'd take almost anything, including working fast food, but even at this point, I think those jobs are even hard to come across then they had previously. I hate to say it there are times lately, when I regret going to college, but not finishing it. A bachelors is a huge deal, and it was a great deal of work, and sacrifices, times when I would of rather played or gone out drinking or having fun with friends, instead I was working on homework or studying. The question remains was the effort and the work ultimately worth the sacrifices? At this point with the resumes and having only two interviews that did not offer a job I feel frustrated, and stuck in a ruit. The next phase of my plan requires money, and I need a job for that, which is not there. Hopefully I find one sometime soon, which I'm hoping for fingers crossed, I'd like to get start on my paralegal classes, and finish up those sometime in the near future, but in a new world it's hard to say where the money will come from and if they'll be any. So I hope any of my fellow graduates that are coming up are aware of how challenging the economy and jobs are, and don't underestimate it. 

Undergrad complete!!!

So I did it. I finished College, and was awarded my degree this passing week. It feels strange in a way being finished. It's only been three weeks, but I've gone through a million different feelings, I was in shock at first, not quite sure that I'd actually accomplished this task that I began six years ago, to depressed that I was finished. Yes I admit that I got depressed, and strangely I'm not the only person whose felt that way before, particularly after finishing Undergraduate work. Now for once I'm actually at a normal place in my head for once, I'm actually quite proud of myself, still can't believe that I have a Bachelor's of Arts in History. The icing on the cake will come in two months for the actual ceremony in June where for the sake of celebration I'll be clad in crimson, and walking in the heat, and to make matters even more interesting I'm more then likely going to wear a dress. Oh my God I'm turning feminine. 
As I turn my head to my pending graduation and the arrival of my diploma, I think back to the person I was when I began this journey. I was an overweight angry eighteen year old who knew nothing about being happy, I did not know myself. I knew nothing about the world, well I thought I knew everything, but as the years came and went and I passed through higher and higher levels of education, I found myself becoming someone else, different then what I had begun to be.  Now I do realize that sure the same person I started out is there somewhat, but the lack of confidence, humility, and angry no longer seem important. Scars and wounds are healing to somewhat. I look back at everything I've learned in six years and I look at it now and realize its all lead me to me where I am. 
As to what my pending plans are I have a rough idea, and hopefully I'll be heading back to school in the Fall for my paralegal training certification. More then likely this won't be my long term plan, but it's a means to an end for the time being, and the rest is pretty standard, and in time getting out on my own, and having my license. I feel like having a bachelor's under my belt, I can do almost anything now. With the cap and gown ordered and the announcements on their way this marks that I have accomplished so much. I just wish I could of told this to my eight year old self, and believed in that a long time ago. 

Farwell 2011

So with 2011 coming to a close and the new year impending, I'm compelled to step back and take a look at the year that's come and gone. I see the changes not only in myself with regards to growing up, but I see it in others as well. This year I've found things out about people that I didn't know before, friends moving to other states, the knowledge that my college graduation is only a matter of months away. I find 2011 may have been a challenging year, but through it all I found that I grew and changed. To say that I've figured out all of life would be incorrect, that is something I'm still working on. I still have absolutely no idea where my journey is, but I look forward to it. I've made discoveries when it comes to healing of the heart, mind and body, and as a result of these, many things have improved unlike they ever have before.  I've even started working with museums, writing papers, looking into a career break before I go back for Postbacs and graduate school. I've learned mistakes like probably wearing glasses if you own them, you have them for a reason.Hair is just hair, and bad hairstyles and all it will grow back. As a result of the changes that I encountered this year, I decided to make some changes of my own for the time being, but you'll all have to wait awhile to see exactly what I've done. It's quite different, and I'm learning exactly how to do it. 2012 I hope to accomplish and continue growing and exploring in new ways. So my friends as the color changes, I hope you all have had the best of years and the best of the holidays, and I will probably blog sometime in the future about things. So much is changing right now and I feel completed to present it.