Wedding Vlog.

I guess with wedding seasons slowly coming to a close, it makes me think of last year, and my wedding. I never did blog about the wonderment of it, and the insanity. One cannot understand how truly stressful a wedding can be until you yourself go through it.
It takes a lot to make a wedding work, when you have people always saying what they think or how they feel, when in reality that's just how people are, but it's annoying when you have a vision for your wedding day, and some just don't get that vision. If you're kind like I am, you prove to these people that what you want will work, and if you've done your homework, and know yourself, then you've got it all figured out.
When it comes to most weddings especially those on a budget you can't ever EVERYTHING, so you have to make choices of what's important to you at the time. People wonder why we choose Orcas Island to get married since it was such a far a way place, there were many thoughts and decisions that were centered around that choice. To explain that choice, I need to explain one of the main reasons we choose the venue that we did.
Some little girls dream about their weddings from the time they've very small, as did I, so there's that part of the mix, throw in the fact that I grew up spending a least part of my summers in Chippewa Falls Wisconsin where my dad's from. My Grandparent's had several bridal stores, and even when I was small would send my dress up clothes from the back of the store, including bridal gowns, bridesmaids dresses, hats, you name it. So I spent my childhood in a great many senses surrounded by the bridal industry, and one summer my aunt got married back in Chippewa, and I saw that whole experience, and for the record someone else started dancing on the tables first, no one remembers that night right. :-)
  The other part of the story to add to the reason we choose the Orcas Hotel was growing up until I was about twelve, I had the privilege of my parents owning old homes and restoring them, filled with antiques. There was one particular house that they owned that many weddings of mine were planned, some by my Mom, and my Aunt Brita without my knowledge, until I was much much older,  some were planned together. This house was amazing, it was a brick Tudor from the 1930's or 40's with manicured lawns, and an apple orchard. Needless to say when you spend a great deal of your childhood with the perfect venue already decided, it's hard to find one that fits the bill, and is vintage enough.  So I guess being exposed to the many things that I was growing up, I developed quite a taste for what I wanted my wedding to be, and it was not going to be just any wedding.
When I started planning my wedding, I worked through so many different ideas, originally the idea of a winter came through, but the only problem we needed snow to make it work, and it never really seems to snow in Western Washington, and any venues that worked of worked during that time of year  were out of our price range, and not right for my vision.
I wanted something that was very English Country Garden much like something out of a Brambly Hedge book, stories I'd grown up on as a child and loved. We'd booked other venues, and thought they would work, but somehow we found some error, and they didn't fit. By an act of something higher Matt kept going back to Orcas Island to find venues, maybe it providence that lead us there, but I did one last search, and found the hotel, emailed, and found the price was something we could do.  Now keep in mind there were three things that I HAD to have at the wedding, the venue had to be vintage, which limits you in Washington, and couldn't feel cold or industrial, it had to Victorian like, and having a hotel that was built in 1904, was perfect. It wasn't big, but it something out of Brambly Hedge book, but sadly the mice didn't wear clothes. There had to be a tent at the wedding, one of those white lawn tents, and it couldn't be stuffy.
We made the choice to choose that venue because nothing else was right, and we searched for months, so the choice was that it was ok that it was far away, because it was perfect for us.
Everything else was just icing on the cake, including an amazing arch that we found and decorated, the disasters of the first cake on the ferry,( which looking back is pretty funny, and we got a replacement), the roses and calla lilies were beautiful, the eyelet lace lanterns in the tent for dinner fit perfect although a pain in the butt to hang I hear, the food was good. Everything had to be centered around the venue so the theme was vintage, and whimsical, and even my wedding dress and the bridesmaids had to match that theme, and having lanterns for the bridesmaids instead of flowers, and pink everywhere!
The day of anyone's wedding is a pain,stressful and full of hard work, and it was insanely hot that day. Running errands, getting hair and makeup done, trying to get people where they need to be at the correct times, but it all turned out great. And I loved it all, including the pinata, and the candy buffet, and the ferry ride over to the island was amazing because it felt like we were away from everything, and then the day after the wedding it rained so much so that with a fire ban, and that much rain it wasn't fun to stay camping so we canceled our trip and went to Montana instead, where we almost died trying to get a ghost town. Eventful Honeymoon!!!

I want to see you be brave. Danielle style.

I've spent the past couple of months searching for answers that I thought were my answers, but in all reality they were and are answers for others. Nothing wrong with those answers to the great questions of life, but they weren't and aren't mine. I've always done things in my own way, and my own time, despite what everyone says I forget that. I overcome great adversity, and difficulties, and arrive at the same place, but I do it in my own way. You could say that is true of anyone who wasn't blessed with the easiest lot in life, wither it be financial woes, abuse both emotional, psychological and physical, or like me being disabled. It's something that I choose to keep under wraps for fear that people won't give it the time or understand it, or as when I was a child would judge me for it, and it still occurs at times at places I've worked where some people have judged me for it, but not all, and much like my childhood, I thought I had to keep it wrapped up in a box, like it was some monster, and it was something to be ashamed of, when in all reality, I should be drawing pride from it, and what all I've accomplished despite it, and I will no longer let those who shamed me, have me keep it in the box like it has been for so many years. I have friends who struggle like I do, and they are out about their struggles, so I'm going to no longer pretend that there's something wrong with it. If you know me, you know that I am so much more than something I was born with, you base our friendships or relationships on knowing me, as a person, not anything else.

So I need help sometimes what's the big deal with that? Why can't something be bigger then myself? Why do I have to be afraid of myself and what people will think, when in all reality those who judge me, may of not been able to accomplish all of my successes. I'd rather not share the specifics of it, because it is a very complicated and intensive thing to explain , because that is still something I'd like to keep private, but all I can say is yes, I struggle, I struggle very hard some days, more then I let on, but I keep going, because I'm not ready to quit. I'm not ready to stop dreaming. Without those dreams, I won't have graduated from college, nor have dreams for a Masters, or be able to have one of the best cursive handwriting that I know, or be able to drive a car.  So now I'm looking down the road, and I will admit I have been struggling with what to fill my dreams with since the wedding ended, and I've been dreaming about that for a very long time. So now I will look towards owning the home of my dreams, maybe some day having a family, I think I'd like to adopt at least one kid, and of course I'd still love to save the world, and maybe publish a book a long the way. 

We lie to ourselves and others that we don't struggle, and believe that struggle is wrong, and something to be swept under the rug like it's nothing, but I'd like to move that we start working towards struggle is real, human and not something to be ashamed of. I'm tired of the idea of being like everyone else, because we as humans have the need to conform, conform to what? Someone else's ideas of what is considered correct? Then we're all going to continue living a lie, and hiding under the idea of the perfect person, who doesn't exist.  So I challenge all my friends to be honest about things, wither it be disability, or money. 

Those supposed perfect people who sit there and judge, probably secretly have a huge fault that they've got going on in their lives, but rather judge it in you, because they lack the ability to realize they're the ones with the huge short comings. I will say this for a disclaiming yes, there are some behaviors that are unacceptable, but if you have behaviors that don't hurt yourself or others, and they are judge, then "those" are the people who truly have a short coming. Much like the bullies from when we were kids. So I challenge you to wear and wave your flag high and proud if you have some short comings, just admit it, and those who judge just admit it you lack something for not understand  and just letting people be. So let's stand up for ourselves, and be brave, and take this long along for the ride. 

The one thing I do find without a doubt annoying is to use your short coming as a disability as a reason to excuse a poor social behavior, that isn't about social skills, but rather because you don't take the time to make the effort or follow through. Call it what it is, and don't hid behind it, I sure appreciate honesty, instead of living lies, and miscommunication is different. too so add to your list, if I can find a way around that you can too. Honest and bravery, and for people to stop being stupid are huge, then maybe we can all start being brave and stop trying to save face, for what reason? I'd rather not live a lie anymore, some lies, or hiding can be too big to carry I've lifted that weight and I feel better then I have in a long time.

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle 'neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody's been there, everybody's been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don't run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Innocence, your history of silence
Won't do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don't you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
See you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

Poetic Wanderlust.

It's a eve of the day of my birth, which yes if any of you remember yes tomorrow is the ides of March, the day that Caesar was brutally murdered. I used to find that funny, because I am unpredictable in a sense, but now frankly I can't stand, it's only funny the first a hundred times, someone comes up with it, much like the idea of my last name can actually be turned into a word. Everyone thinks it's so cleaver and funny, in all reality it's been over done. 
Every year when my birthday comes, I stop and look back at a year's progress of where I was a year ago, and hope that I've made good choices, and the rights ones, and grown along the way, and I have for the most part. There however is one piece missing or a huge urge that can't seem to be fulfilled, and it makes it all the more important that I work towards it. I will be honest, and not to be blunt, and intentionally hurtful, but there really is very little holding me to staying in Washington. To be honest there are very few people that I consider worth staying around for, and you might be surprised. I think the concept of friendship is lost on many after college or even in our adult years, a sense of loyalty, and effort seems to lacking with many. All I know is with the past month, I have not found much support, or friendship or effort made from supposed friends up here, I often times I have found intolerance, or feelings falling on death ears, which only strengthens my need to move on.
I dream of being in a place, where it isn't nearly impossible to find a job, or a place to fit in, and where people are friendly, and warm, actually try and keep a friendship alive, out of love, and not convenience. I keep asking myself, and most of you should ask this to yourself s, other than those who have an insane amount going on in their lives, and with little time for pleasure, how I speak more with that person, and someone who works full time, has a child, and lives on the other side of the country with a three hour time difference, then I do with most local Washingtonians? Or if the tables were turned and I was swamped, I'd always manage to make the effort, or realize my own actions and how they affect people? I can't be the only one in this world, out there, but I don't think people are generally like that in Washington. So thus leads into my need for my as I call it Poetic wanderlust, and I need to find people out there where I truly feel at home. A move is a start to another part of the state, and ulimtately somewhere else in the county. 

Year in Review and some changes

It's hard to believe it's been almost a year since I wrote a blog, that's alarming to me. Have I really gotten that far away from where I was a year ago?
What can I say about 2015, it's been a whirlwind to say the least, a growing experience, full of changes, successes and ultimately changes.
I started the year out in a bad place, because I was convinced that I was nothing without having a job, and was convinced that I had to prove to the world my worth, despite, having legitimate reasons as to why it was difficult.
After awhile I got so sick of being in a dark and twisty place, I stopped being me, and I became what I thought I was supposed to be, someone driven by money and success. I'd forgotten the rest of the story, the dreams, having funny, making the world a better place. I got lost in the shuffle, and went down hill.
I needed closure before I got married and ultimately contacted my ex, and in the end I was so glad that I had moved past him and on to someone loads better, kinder and sweeter even if he still does drive me mad, this is the man I'm supposed to marry, the man who does everything in the entire world for me, and even bribes me.
In March this year I started volunteering at an animal shelter, which made the world of difference, but I had to give that up.  About that time I went to a job fair, where ultimately I did find a temporary job, which I liked at the time, but I guess I was so focused on just being happy at the time it didn't matter, because it was giving me a sense of control.
Fast forward to May, when all of the wedding planning and events really started, my wedding dress had arrived and all the alternations were finished, my mom had my convinced for three months that the dress wouldn't fit, yeah it fit just fine, but due to the stress of planning a wedding and working forty hours a week, I think I went a little crazy, but through out it all I found out that I had some of the most amazing people in my world, from family to friends, each and everyone managed to make it a very special time for me my wedding shower ended up being a potluck in the park, with tequila of course, very earthy like me, my bacherelette party  in June was going out to eat at Red Robin, drinking way too much, and spending the night at a hotel, and going shopping in the morning. I only wish I didn't have to work for four hours the day before, looking back I should of asked for the day off.
Then came the madness of July and the wedding, somehow it managed to go over with few hitches, there were issues with the bridesmaids dresses, the room issues people telling us they had found out different lodgings, and we scrambled to cover those rooms,  almost missing the ferry the day before the wedding, and the cake falling over on the way to the island.
Well the room got fixed and we learned a lot about those people, a new cake was assembled on the island the following morning, things were said and done at the wedding, and true friends were found out all and all.
We changed the honeymoon to go to Montana instead of camping on Orcas Island. Ryan my brother had a baby with his wife in October, here and now the holidays and the end of the year are upon us, and I am looking to put my two weeks notice in at my job, and find something better, the over time has become too much to bare, so here's to changes in the new year, and finding time to exercise.

So here's to the closing of 2015 and I'm about to go out the door drop the letter in the box take a shower and go to bed, and I'm coming home tomorrow to write the letter to give to work in person and give it on Thursday, and walk away in almost two weeks.
Yay for postive changes.

Reflection of Current events.

It's funny, how at the time you think if this one instance doesn't happen, your life is over forever. I guess, I can say that a lot. When things haven't worked out with guys I've dated, to name a few mostly my North Carolina endeavors. Jeremy didn't work for a reason, granted I enjoyed him a great deal, may of even fallen in love with him, it's hard to say what it really was, since it was almost ten years ago. My attempt to ( and my college friends from Blue Ridge will nod their heads at this insanity, did I say I was sorry enough for that, and thank you for bearing with me.) romance Scott this weird dude from a Drama class, which oh my god what was I thinking, Nancy, Erin and Shannon I owe you guys something next time I'm in Hendersonville just for dealing with me. I also think of John the guy I dated on and off for a long time, even though I thought we were meant to be, things happened that showed the true meaning of fate, I only wish I had not been the receiver of so much of his hurt and pain over and over again, to the point where he hurt me so much that I can't even consider him a friend, chance after chance he still managed to hurt and disappoint even at the friendship level.   I wish I could be that type of person, but he gave me nothing to work with.

Maybe I was stupid, maybe I wanted to believe something was there, that wasn't, it's hard to say. To be honest, if you'd asked me who I was going to end up with seven months away from getting married five years ago, I honestly would of believed it to be John. Funny though college made me grow up, and change, I learned to see the world differently, I learned that as long as I had friends and family who loved me that I didn't need a relationship unless it was something I really felt was right. Although I think he is now dating a former friend of mine, whom I had parted ways with, hmmm, yeah I win, I've moved on, more or less this is a reflection of my thoughts since no one really reads my blogs anymore. I guess I'm a bigone from the past.

Well I graduated from college, turns out along the way I'd fallen head over heels for the person I never thought I would, enter Matt Farncomb. I cannot begin to describe the ways he makes me feel or what he alone just by being himself does for me. I feel safe, loved, wanted, and the fuzzies never leave. I can fight with him about stupid things and believe me they're stupid, and in the end know that we're always good. I took his question of being his wife very seriously, and in the end, I know I've found the partner for the journey. He gets me, in ways that I cannot even begin to understand. Matt often says it's like when we met our souls were talking, like we'd known each other forever.  I'm not sure if we had love at first sight, but there was something that neither one of us still understands. Our lives have passed each other numerous times through out our childhood, from Poulsbo, Vashon Island, Olympic College, Central Washington University, and ultimately the basement of our dorm. Matt made a last minute decision to change his dorms that year, and maybe that was fate saying ok, dude you're going to met the woman you're going to spend the rest of your life with.

So here we are about seven and a half months away from our wedding, and I am elated, excited and nervous as all get up to get to that day. A part of me thinks the day won't come even though, I know it will, it's hard to wait for something when you've been waiting for ever for it without knowing.

I welcome happiness to follow those relationships that did not work out, and I honestly hope that they get the things the deserve both good and bad. I have to say I'm fairly cretin most of those guys are leading happy lives, but then again they were upstanding. I can't say that if I ever came across Jeremy or Scott or some of the others I would be mean rather happy to see them, and be happy in my own life. with my future looming.

Also I think what goes around comes around, I just hope those get karma so they learn the lesson and don't hurt others along the way.

B 12 and the lack there of it.

A month ago, I went in to see the doctor about anxiety preventing me from sleeping, and controlling my life in every single aspect you can think of. At this point, I had tried almost every naturalpathic alternative, simply because I don't believe that pharmacial solutions work for me. I've tried countless prescriptions since I was fourteen, and nothing ever works. I could list them all, but then I'd probably spell all of them wrong, and it's been such a long time since I've been on some of them. Let me see if I can remember some of them, there's been Depocote, Cexela, Gabapetin, Cylert, Cymbalta, Lamitical, and the most recent of Closopine, or something like that, and that's just off the top of my head. 
Needless to say, because of the type of doctor I selected for this purpose is that she is centered on naturalpathic, and alternative forms of treatment. What started out as a belief that I didn't have enough Vitim D in my diet, which links to mood, turned out through lab work, that I don't absorb vitiam B12, which basically means that my body doesn't break down food at points to create energy for my body. I was reading somewhere that it's kind of like anemia, only instead of the lack of iron in the blood, a person doesn't get the energy compounds through food in their diet. 
Truth is unlike Anemia, there is no trick and quick answer, I will probably have to take supplements or receive shots once a month for the rest of my life, but I'm finding that taking the b12 is actually giving me energy like I haven't had in a very long time, I can keep going, even when I think I can't. So let's just hope the supplements work, and when I go in for lab work next month, that I won't be required to take the shots, but I do need to have blood work every three months, boy, I guess if I have to be unique, I guess I'm going to be unique with my heath concerns. 
But this sure beats anything else that could go wrong, and that would explain why for the longest time I was so foggy, and I'm slowly getting back to where I was before. Weird huh? 
Anyways that's all for now, I'll write another blog sometime soon, things are happening and changing for me, and I look forward to it. 

I had toxic mold and lived through it.

Hey Guys, 
Sorry it's been so long since I blogged a good couple of months. I think the last time I blogged was back in December, but I can't remember. Before February is a fog, but it is true with actual legitimate reasons. Our former apartment in Edmonds had black toxic mold that was hidden under the carpet and in the walls or so we suspect. It was strange how different we both were acting, so unlike ourselves, but once we would leave the apartment things would become like they had been before. That place is just bad, there was a neighbor lady who lived upstairs, who was too involved and felt like stranger danger, and Matt and her became friends, and she almost broke us up. That apartment complex has bad Juju and things were always happening there, strange things. It never felt right, it was full of anger and sadness. Those strange things never seem to happen here, I mean there are weird things, like an ipod turning on at 6 in the morning, but other than that, really nothing. 
The mold at the other apartment  made both of us irrational, illogical, tired, unreasonable, and a bunch of other things that near tore us apart over something that was chemical kind of crazy. We tired the best we could to keep the mold at bay, but it was insanely difficult since it was hiding, and at this point we'd already made plans to leave. In December we found another apartment that we actually liked, and couldn't wait until February to get the keys and move in. The last two months drifted by slowly, and then before we knew it we were leaving the other apartment. Granted we did have to leave the couch behind, it was kind of ok, because we're both getting our health back, Matt seems to get it back quicker than I did, but I think he's a little harder then I am, but we're getting there. 
So the wedding's still on, for July of next year, still have no idea where at this point other then it's going to be in the United States and probably in Washington, I did find the dress, and I'm getting an idea for the rest. 
But I guess what makes me pause lately is I've been recieving contacts from people from my past, and I get the impression that they are only contacting me with the need for a hook up or because their own lives are lacking, these would be former people I have dated, and granted they have claimed not to be that way, it's the only thing that makes sense. It makes me wonder is that how people see me as incapable of being engaged or being married?  It's funny the other day when I went with my friend Allie to get Chinese food, I got a fournte cookie with the fountune, being you can't live in your past, but rather your future, and to live for it. That is so true, my future is Matt and being married. The only difference now is that I would be married and share my life with someone that's it. I would still have the same freedom as I always do. In fact Matt only advises against things, if they seem bad, or uncomfortable. Kids we still don't know I'd like to stop being so frail and get back my health like I did in college, and I'm getting there, or at least trying, baby steps. 
I mean things with life and relationships are always hard, and I know with things that go on in my brain, I get overwhelmed, and being in my twenties I have no idea where the answers are and what they are, but I have found someone to take along for the journey anywhere except South Africa which apparently is too dangerous and too far. Ok... so no being apart of former apartheid, let's see if I can go for Ireland. Fingers crossed. 

My World....

  My family tells me all the time that I have a gift for words, and maybe it's part of my curse. My curse makes me think different for the good and the bad. I see the world different, and some may say I'm behind, slow, while others believe that those with my curse are gifted. I choose to believe that I'm like Albert Einstein, only instead of Aspurgers and math, mine's with creativity. I have so much creativity, that seventy five percent of the time, I have no idea what to do with it. I have a disability, plain and simple. One wouldn't know looking at me, or interacting with me for the most part, but if you know me, and know me well enough, after awhile you notice that I do things different. My disability isn't what most people would consider "physical". To some a physical limitation is something you can see, like being in a wheelchair, having Downs Syndrome, missing a limb, or a million others. But just because you can't necessarily  see a difficulty or a challenge, doesn't mean it's not there. I guess why I'm needing and wanting to write this blog, is I'm tired of pretending that there's something wrong with me, and I should hide it. I spent my life, trying to be like everyone else, because I thought it was the best thing, and to be hidden from the rest of the world. My mom would always try and encourage to me to tell whomever I wanted, because it was my choice, and my business, but while still maintaining the idea that nothing was wrong with it. But kids were also cruel about it, and still are. In fact I've met a great deal of adults even people in their fifties who judge it and are cruel. These are the types of people who would may make fun of a disabled checker in a grocery store. I can hide it if I want, but why should I. I didn't choose this, and I don't think I should be blamed for it. 

So what I have plain and simple, but it's a complex and pretty all encompassing idea of how to be disabled. There are several terms which all coincide with each of them. The first is a little called a Sensory Processing Disorder, which basically means that messages in my brain get congested, and the response time is often times later than it would be with normal people. This affects me in numerous ways it affects my processing of information, such as when I would write papers, I would have great ideas about what I wanted to say, but I always had trouble figuring out where the information went in a timeline. When my brain learns new information, it basically has to reroute where the information will be store, and then to unearth the information at a later time, requires more effort and energy as well.  But it's not only through abstract thoughts such as math, but reading was hard for me to learn how to do when I was a kid. Often times my parents would break down information into little bits, so I could chew it better and bit by bit I learned the same material it just took longer.

Organization skills are effected as well such as time management, which is hard sometimes, organizing my things, and keeping a room clean. 

That being said, the processing disorder also affects movement, and signals from the brain, which is where my Fine Motor and Gross Motor Delays come in. My reactions to any movement are actually slower, and take my brain twice as much effort as anyone else. Any physical movement, and you name it takes my brain twice as much effort to do, even walking or sitting up in a chair. I remember when I was a kid, I would have to sit in chairs that had arms to help me sit up straight. I've always had to have note takes, and extended time on tests, because the information has to reroute, and it takes longer for me to be able to access that information in my head. I can't study for very long, otherwise I get overloaded with all the information.

Some people( whom shall not be named) believe that because I have issues, and things to work on that I'm a waste of space, but everyone has issues according to them. I feel like that line is a bunch of bull shit, and what you say, when you're hiding a flaw within yourself and you need to scapegoat it. If you took the time to know me and learn what the hell happens in my head, or why I do strange things maybe you'd get it more. And you'd also realize that Dear God, my default is being happy, and getting into trouble. I'm not something to be pitied, I hate pity. I've always hated it. I can do pretty much everything everyone else can, but I have to do it in my own time and my own way. 

I feel frustrated that people just assume that I'm this weird person, when in a reality, I'm actually pretty normal, I've had to learn how to do things a little different. I graduated from college, which no one believed I would be able to do even when I was little. No one thought that I would be able to have beautiful handwriting that I would be regulated to typing on a computer, which I do pride myself on how quick I am. People thought that I would never learn how to drive a car, but I'm working on that. I get to places on my own. Oh yeah and I was never supposed to be able to ride a bike, yeah I do that too.

The last part that I'm sure people will never understand, nor will they care, they will continue to judge is my disability also affects how I see the world, often times when I'm overloaded or feel pressure I turn it inward and believe its a fault with me. If I have too much of this I go inside myself. If there's too much going on in a situation, often times it can be too much. Everything in life both abstract, or physical has to be processed and it takes me twice as long. Even my emotions, and relationships can be scary and hard because I'm basically having to learn how another person thinks, and they can be completely different and that's still more information to take in.

But bottom line don't pity, try and understand, and don't think you have the answers or know everything when you don't. IN THE END YOU HAVE NO IDEA UNLESS YOU ASK ABOUT IT, INSTEAD OF JUDGING SOMETHING THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

A Fairy Tale

Once Upon A Time, there lived a beautiful princess. Ok she wasn't actually a princess, but her parents deemed her one, not because of her beauty, but because she brought so much love and joy into their lives. She was the essence of what a little girls should be. She was sweet, loving, kind, loved animals, and had a sense of spunk to her, which always got her into situations that were funny and entertaining in the end. 
Life wasn't always easy for the princess, her parents or her older brother there were many battles that had to be won in order to continue on, but the little family in the kingdom fought together and carried on. The king and queen loved the prince and princess so much so that they would give up anything for them, and often times, they themselves went without. The prince and princess had the best of food, health care, good clothing, shoes, you name it. They always had everything they needed, they didn't always get what they wanted, but they never went without for the things they needed. 
The king often times would slave at a job that he hated, so the queen could stay and take care of the children and give them the best of everything. You see the prince and princess had a lot of things that they themselves had to deal with, between food allergies that were extremely debilitating, to disabilities  and so many things in between  Despite all of that the little family carried on, happy in their own little world, loving each other and caring about each other. 
Time went on, the family move different places, the children tried different schools. Every time a place for whatever reason would not work, like a home, or a school for both of the children, the king and queen would step back and figure out how to improve the lives of their children. But the king and queen did more then just fix things and comfort when things were horribly bad, they were always there for them, the good times, and the bad. 
The family laughed together, cried, fought for the others, and all of them were proud that they were linked. No one in the family was anything less than deserving to be in their little kingdom. 
The king and queen grew old as their children grew up, and as the current economy tanked, and they were not where they would of been if they had not had their children financially  often times as their children achieved milestones such as graduating college, or becoming who they were supposed to be, the parents grew more and more proud of the prince and princess. 
The prince meet a wonderful maiden  and feel madly in love with her. The two of them married and lived happily ever after. 
Although the princess was slower then the prince with finishing things, there was nothing but love and respect from all for the princess for all the good that she did and all that she achieved when she had such difficulties in the beginning. 
She truly was a princess beloved by all, and sure she made mistakes and messed up, but in the end she knew that she was loved and wanted always. The parents that she had received in the end only looked up at pride at her, not just because of all that she had accomplished, but who she had become. The princess had to give most of the credit to the family she had growing up, and the family and friends that have always backed her to give her strength to get through anything and make her strong. 
The princess would wade through whatever storms that would come her way, and in the end the princess would be happy because she knew that the most important part of her life would always exist  and that would be love. Love from family and friends, deep love that she deserved because of who she was, and how she treated people, and it wouldn't matter what others thought because in the end she would know where and who she was. The people that knew and loved her would always be with her forever. 

Life , an update

It's hard to believe that a year has passed since I last blogged, and truth is it has nothing to do with the lack of followers. Maybe in the beginning, but I feel the need to write.... To write for me and where my life is going. To look back and see all the changes since last May is insane. 
I thought things would be one way, but its funny how when you think something that is supposed to happen doesn't and instead you're left with this even more magical surprise. 
So I've had a job for over six months, that I never thought in a million years that I could do, and for the most part I can, but I'm growing weary of it. Maybe its the lack of security surrounding it, or maybe I'm ready for yet another adventure. I worked through Christmas  I could say my opinions about the job, but I won't. I think it says enough that I'm ready for something more.
I turned twenty five and that I guess triggered the rest of everything needing to be different. I mean I'm actually engaged to my best friend, whom a year ago I never thought I would of dated. I thought that oh it's just my sister. Funny how that all turns out, but maybe in a way, not putting any pressure on a relationship  and letting it be whatever it's going to be in its own time, is the important  part. Without pressure, without expectations  without anything, but enjoying the moment.  So I could go into the details on how it occurred but that's another story, but I'm sure in the moments to come, everyone will hear it. 
The wedding won't be for awhile since we need to get an apartment first ,so we're thinking July 11, 2015. And we also know how long it will take me to find whatever I want, and figure it out. 
So that's it all in a nutshell, and maybe I don't have any many opinions as I used to, but I have dreams, and plans, which make a difference. I'm also taking a test for a permit next week, 

Summer and Nudity.

So as summer draws closer there's three things that seem to come to my mind. The first being what the hell happens to my hair? It's like I develop a large Afro, and I'm white, and the Jewish part of me is so small that I don't think it counts. So I'm stuck with large amount of hair that always seems to be frizzy, and thick. Plans on this summer hair is staying in a pony tale if I don't hack it all off at any rate. The second thing is the discovery of blended drinks when the weather is quite warm, the need for margaritas, daiquiris, Pina Colodas and other blended drinks and the all importance of an ice cold brew-ski. 
The third thing that comes to mind to me lately seems the most important. Perhaps it's because  made my special iced tea which I make every summer this afternoon. Did I also mention I put a crap load of honey in it, so I'm basically high off sugar every time I en jest my magical iced tea. But before my sidetrack my last thought was the idea of clothing. When I was visiting my mom's family in San Diego last month my Aunt told me about a guy who was arrested for running around naked, and publicly pleasuring himself.  Why can't we in our society run around naked especially during the summer months when it's insanely hot. The pleasuring oneself is completely fine for illegal activity. What is the big freaking deal with clothing? Are we as a society so afraid of our own bodies that because we're not model thin that we should bury ourselves away for propriety sake. It's not like seeing women or male naked isn't something we haven't seen before. In Europe nudity isn't that uncommon, little kids grow up seeing it. Are we as society so afraid of one's own potential sexuality that seeing other members of the human race naked is simply a bad thing? I feel that nudity is the human body we see representations of it in movies in textbooks, and the illusion of it, so why is it so bad to see a naked man or woman? I understand why rating in films are PG-13 or R because its relating to sex, which in my opinion is something very private and personal, but to see a naked person yeah it's not your attracted to them all the time, but I just don't understand what the big deal is.
You look in other cultures and you see naked women and naked men and its a part of their culture, why is nudity something wrong? As such I think we as Americans and even to an extent as Europeans fear our sexuality and don't embrace it. There just body parts. If I see a naked person for it's men, but not everyone sets me off, so therefore why is the need to cover up so great? I think we as a people should embrace what was given to us, and not have to hide it behind clothing, or be restricted because of one person's insecurities, and instead walk around naked. Incident exposure should not be illegal, but other acts should continue to be illegal.

JOBS???????

It's sad that major life changes can determine a great about yourself, and that is so true. Recently I've encountered and still suffer from it, the mystery surrounding graduating from college. When a person finishes one avenue of their lives which they had for so long, its not surprising that they would lose focus and some sense of identity, and even to a point of facing depression.  Like my current identity crisis changing so does my hair. I know its always changing, but this time it's growing out.  In a economy where jobs are few and far between. Since I've been home, I've sent out a great deal of resumes, and I plan on filling out applications with hope of getting anything. Five years ago, jobs that I applied for I would have guaranteed simply with a bachelors, but God only knows where I'll end up. At this point I'd take almost anything, including working fast food, but even at this point, I think those jobs are even hard to come across then they had previously. I hate to say it there are times lately, when I regret going to college, but not finishing it. A bachelors is a huge deal, and it was a great deal of work, and sacrifices, times when I would of rather played or gone out drinking or having fun with friends, instead I was working on homework or studying. The question remains was the effort and the work ultimately worth the sacrifices? At this point with the resumes and having only two interviews that did not offer a job I feel frustrated, and stuck in a ruit. The next phase of my plan requires money, and I need a job for that, which is not there. Hopefully I find one sometime soon, which I'm hoping for fingers crossed, I'd like to get start on my paralegal classes, and finish up those sometime in the near future, but in a new world it's hard to say where the money will come from and if they'll be any. So I hope any of my fellow graduates that are coming up are aware of how challenging the economy and jobs are, and don't underestimate it. 

Undergrad complete!!!

So I did it. I finished College, and was awarded my degree this passing week. It feels strange in a way being finished. It's only been three weeks, but I've gone through a million different feelings, I was in shock at first, not quite sure that I'd actually accomplished this task that I began six years ago, to depressed that I was finished. Yes I admit that I got depressed, and strangely I'm not the only person whose felt that way before, particularly after finishing Undergraduate work. Now for once I'm actually at a normal place in my head for once, I'm actually quite proud of myself, still can't believe that I have a Bachelor's of Arts in History. The icing on the cake will come in two months for the actual ceremony in June where for the sake of celebration I'll be clad in crimson, and walking in the heat, and to make matters even more interesting I'm more then likely going to wear a dress. Oh my God I'm turning feminine. 
As I turn my head to my pending graduation and the arrival of my diploma, I think back to the person I was when I began this journey. I was an overweight angry eighteen year old who knew nothing about being happy, I did not know myself. I knew nothing about the world, well I thought I knew everything, but as the years came and went and I passed through higher and higher levels of education, I found myself becoming someone else, different then what I had begun to be.  Now I do realize that sure the same person I started out is there somewhat, but the lack of confidence, humility, and angry no longer seem important. Scars and wounds are healing to somewhat. I look back at everything I've learned in six years and I look at it now and realize its all lead me to me where I am. 
As to what my pending plans are I have a rough idea, and hopefully I'll be heading back to school in the Fall for my paralegal training certification. More then likely this won't be my long term plan, but it's a means to an end for the time being, and the rest is pretty standard, and in time getting out on my own, and having my license. I feel like having a bachelor's under my belt, I can do almost anything now. With the cap and gown ordered and the announcements on their way this marks that I have accomplished so much. I just wish I could of told this to my eight year old self, and believed in that a long time ago. 

Farwell 2011

So with 2011 coming to a close and the new year impending, I'm compelled to step back and take a look at the year that's come and gone. I see the changes not only in myself with regards to growing up, but I see it in others as well. This year I've found things out about people that I didn't know before, friends moving to other states, the knowledge that my college graduation is only a matter of months away. I find 2011 may have been a challenging year, but through it all I found that I grew and changed. To say that I've figured out all of life would be incorrect, that is something I'm still working on. I still have absolutely no idea where my journey is, but I look forward to it. I've made discoveries when it comes to healing of the heart, mind and body, and as a result of these, many things have improved unlike they ever have before.  I've even started working with museums, writing papers, looking into a career break before I go back for Postbacs and graduate school. I've learned mistakes like probably wearing glasses if you own them, you have them for a reason.Hair is just hair, and bad hairstyles and all it will grow back. As a result of the changes that I encountered this year, I decided to make some changes of my own for the time being, but you'll all have to wait awhile to see exactly what I've done. It's quite different, and I'm learning exactly how to do it. 2012 I hope to accomplish and continue growing and exploring in new ways. So my friends as the color changes, I hope you all have had the best of years and the best of the holidays, and I will probably blog sometime in the future about things. So much is changing right now and I feel completed to present it.

Is the Cost of Beauty too high and what makes beauty?

Recently my friend Donna presented a link on you tube for a music video by Selena Gomez, "Who says".  The lyrics begin,
who saysI
wouldn't wanna be anybody else.
You made me insecure
Told me I wasn’t good enough
But who are you to judge
When you’re a diamond in the rough
I’m sure you got some things
You’d like to change about yourself
But when it comes to me
I wouldn’t want to be anybody else
I’m no beauty queen
I’m just beautiful me
You’ve got every right
To a beautiful life
C'mon
Who says
Who says you’re not perfect
Who says you’re not worth it
Who says you’re the only one that’s hurting
Trust me
That’s the price of beauty
Who says you’re not pretty
Who says you’re not beautiful
Who says
It’s such a funny thing
How nothing’s funny when it’s you
You tell ‘em what you mean
But they keep whiting out the truth
It’s like a work of art
That never gets to see the light
Keep you beneath the stars
Won’t let you touch the sky
I’m no beauty queen
I’m just beautiful me
You’ve got every right
To a beautiful life
C'mon
Who says
Who says you’re not perfect
Who says you’re not worth it
Who says you’re the only one that’s hurting
Trust me
That’s the price of beauty
Who says you’re not pretty
Who says you’re not beautiful
Who says
Who says you’re not start potential
Who says you’re not presidential
Who says you can’t be in movies
Listen to me, listen to me
Who says you don’t pass the test
Who says you can’t be the best
Who said, who said
Won’t you tell me who said that
Yeah, oh
Who says
Who says you’re not perfect
Who says you’re not worth it
Who says you’re the only one that’s hurting
Trust me
That’s the price of beauty
Who says you’re not pretty
Who says you’re not beautiful

The song ends on the note of complete empowerment for whomever is listening. I've always become aware of what people think is beautiful which is correct and realistic and the out aspect which is hazardous. I know myself that I struggle with self image and how there's the fact that I'm not a size zero, the fact that I am bigger then most, and the struggle that comes along with that, and my skin is always covered in acne in some form, or the fact that I wear glasses. Is beauty really something recently concocted by the fashion industry in order to gain more of a profit margin? Of course all young people try and be trendy to fit in, and feel like they belong, but I wonder if the cost of beauty is really too high. If you look at the rates of eating disorders, they're skyrocketing not just in girls but also boys, and they're longer and longer. I watched a documentary about an eight year old girl who was anorexic. An eight year old!! I also feel that as a society we're doomed, we live in a culture where the rate of obesity increases with every generation. So with the need to be thin even more important than ever to fit in and the rate of obesity going up, what is a child to do? They're doomed no matter what they do, in the ability to fit in.  I also believe that part of this problem is because of the media, making children grow up quicker then they should, childhood should be spent playing not figuring out how to find out if a guy likes you. I remember when I was little, I painted my finger nails because I thought it was pretty, and I liked the color, not to be more of a grown up. But then again I wonder if the people these little girls are modeling themselves on are actually beautiful. Our society is taught to view the tall, tan, toned woman with the blond hair to be the most beautiful, when historically pale skin and dark hair was considered a true testament of beauty. Is beauty become something that can be faked instead of something that naturally there?  And in that matter why does beauty even have to exist in the physical sense, everyone has something about themselves that they don't quite like, doesn't mean they're not beautiful, and who says that the person isn't beautiful. Beauty what most people consider is only skin deep, true beauty lies within someone's soul. True beauty is the inside of what makes the person live and tick, like if they're a giving person, qualities that make a good person are what truly makes a beautiful person, and in a world where those things are diapering, the need to see that beauty becomes increasingly important and makes it more valuable. I've seen someone of the most beautiful women physically, but inside they're shallow and vain, and lacking personality. And those who are ugly and unremarkable are truly magnificent people. And there are some beautiful people who really are beautiful inside and out, and there are ugly s who are truly ugly. When I die I'd like to hope that I was remembered for the good things I did  that made me beautiful, and not my physical appearance that the media determined pretty.

MY REVOULTION

Generally when we think of July we think of the United States and their indepence from Britian, France's stroming of the Bastile with Bastile day, but this July I've had my own battles and my own struggle for indepence. It seems like everything that can go wrong will go wrong. I guess that's the theme of this month when it comes to my life. First of all I've been finding that somethings trigger my notrious panic attacks, some of the things I can control and remove from my life others like my parents I can't. I know as young adults we're always looking to find our own sense of idnenity outside of our parental units, but what I've found challanging and a potenital battle is my Mother is leaning towards the same style I have. First it was the clothes, understandable and it didn't matter too much because she was once place and I was at another. But I've found that since she's started wearing Victoria Secret Makeup in colors I like, and basically doing her hair like mine, I find my sense of indepence a great deal like the American Revoultion, the struggle for indepence from the mother country. I do not wish to be like Britian, however there are somethings that I will keep because it's my backround, but much like the real Britian the mother country does not understand that I do not wish to be like her, and I want my own sense of idneity. Sure there are some cases where it is good to be like her, but dead god I always feel like it's chronic that I'm supposed to be her, particuallarly in times of stress. Like this afternoon she went off with my dad for the night, and I had to call her back home because I couldn't use the lock on the door, because the lock is evil. I tried and tried to make it work, and ulimately spent three hours crying after she came and went because I basically screwed everything up. Much like the Americans doing the revoultion I fear the mother country and I want to be able to declare my indepence. My mother is everywhere and I want my own grounds to stand on, where I don't always feel like I'm in her shadow and being her instead of me. Which is one of the reasons I'm tempted to delete my facebook because she's there and I so want a space apart from my parents that's all mine. My mom can be incrediably hard and sometimes I would love not to deal with that. I find it very hard to breath and relax since being home since December, and am counting down the days till my escape to school. At this rate I may not go home for Thanksgiving, I'm really not too sure.
My secound revoultion involved friends, and signficant others and a real assement of them. In the end I found that those who were my true friends gave a crap about me and cared the best that they knew how to. Of those friends I know that I can them anything even though I choose not to, they encourage it and I feel grateful beyond imagion to them, the others who simply did not try have been in away cast off, and reassessted in their aspects. People have different levels of friends, but I know the ones that I will keep without a doubt, and I never question that.
Since my relationship ended I found that I'm meant for greater and more meaningful things in a place where it actually matters truly to someone. So the Keith Harkin hunt continues once more, as if it ever stopped. And the more I learn about this famous, sexy man the more I realize I want to meet him. I think he and  I would be great friends at least. So my plans involve somehow meeting him and praying that the next time I'm free I can go see him in concert or maybe go to Ireland and find him. To the end of a relationship I find it rather mornic how it was ended, but alas I will continue on like I always do with my friends and my dreams. And that revolution was won of weeding out the bad seeds and finding out more of who I am. In the end I will be happy and those who lost me or hurt me will someday regret it. Karma's a bitch and there is a reason everyone likes me.

Is Loyalty Dead?

Since December I've been learning a great deal about myself, and what trully makes me the person I am. I think for the most part, I do an excellent job of managing everything, that is until something comes from a far that I didn't plan on. All I know is everything that I hoped for in people is competely gone, any sense of loyalty, sincereity, kindness, and everything like that is completely gone, even those whom you would think should poccess or care about the loyalty frankly don't. It's all about serving themselves and making themselves happy. I would think that caring about someone and trying to be a friend would be important enough, but I guess in the end to everyone else it's not. Yesterday and today I've found out who my true friends are and I find that few of them are actually true. For every ten that supposedly care, only one actually takes the time to listen to help. Even those who you would think would want to help, and are supposedly in love with you, continue the samethings without thinking about how their actions could hurt you. So in all reality no one actually cares about another. I think a great deal of changes have to occur this week. Loyalty to your friends or even signifiacant others must be dead in our society, but in all reality, little can be said about it if the person doesn't really care in the begining. All I know is I guess I'm cleaning out my closet, and there will be massive, massive cuts and changes. I don't expect alot or too much from people, but in all reality, if people are truly like this I'd rather be alone, or with those who actually care and don't want to hurt me. They take time to understand to listen. Friendship isn't a one way street, and maybe in some regards I'd like to fall back into a cave, at least I couldn't be hurt over and over again.

Thoughts

So it's been awhile since I've blogged. Really haven't had much to say, and there is also the fact the I have a vlog now, which has been intresting. For the record I plan on blogging and vlogging once a week for now. Might be less once school starts again in September. Evil papers and reading's I'm so not looking forward to that. 
In other news I broke or sprained my toe. Not my big toe or my pinky toe, which would prove disastrous, but no one of the middle toes. I think though that medical tape should be made pretty and with personality considering how easy it is to injury toes and require them to be taped.  Oh yes and I have been really thinking about classes in the Fall and papers. 

I wonder through what kind of topics will I have to choose from for my classes for papers. I'm guessing I'll have to write at least three seven to ten page papers next quarter, all in the lovely Turbian format. Got to love being a History Major with the damm Turbian/Chicago style. I think English major's have it easier, MLA never changes. But then again they do have to interberate stuff that's pretty trippy. Does that explain why alot of them go insane?  Not meaning to insult those dear friends of mine who are English majors. We all know I tried and it didn't work out. Dude like seriously I think I'm good with history, although the paper's may somewhat harder, at least there's noimplied meanings. It's man did something as a result, something happened. Even though we don't know the outcome or actual events until centuries later. Like really what went down with the crusades. It's like everything has a spin placed on it which showcases the best outcome or what is thought to make things appear right, but isn't necessarily the case. I guess that's pretty much everything that's going on lately. Not too much of anything just living through, Summer's almost here. Oh yeah the stupid dog peed on my bed again. This time instead of going outside first thing in the morning, oh no she's too lazy to go downstairs and go outside and pee. Lazy ass dog, washing all of my linen has now become a monthly chore. I was hoping to get away with not doing it as much. Yeah like that's going to happen. It's not like she never goes out. She goes out all the time.  Sure makes me miss the simplicities of only having a fish in my dorm, along with a lot of other things.

Stupid people.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about people and how stupid they can be. Stupid to me is a mess of things, most commonly linked with stupid acts people say and do. The other day my friend Beth and I were looking at the dumb laws of Washington State as well as Idaho were she lives. I have to say there's so very interesting things that are against the law. The two that popped out the most to me were I believe you had to tell a cop or something that you were having sex, and if you were having sex in your car the cop couldn't disturb you something like that. My personal favorite because I've done this many times is the licking of a lollypop as an illegal act. Wow I've broken the law numerous times without realizing. 

Another thought following the stupid laws was the idea of saying stupid things on Facebook or other areas where others can see them. Within the past couple of days one person has accused me of being high, insane, a lesbian, as well as questioning my sanity to make correct choices for myself. This person also seems to question the sanity of my friends because they act just like me. Now I believe everyone is entitled to their opinion, but at times opinions should be kept to themselves espically on some place like Facebook where all can see these words and things that are said.

I'm not going to say that I'm perfect, I say stupid things all the time, but I try really hard not to hurt people's feelings or say things publicly  To me a stupid person isn't necessarily the IQ of a person, but rather a person who thinks about their actions before they commit them and understand that words can hurt, and as well as the need to understand that different choices are simply that. Different choices, nothing wrong with that.

I guess a stupid person is a mean hearted, and spirtied person  for not having real reasons for saying the mean things that they unneccessarly.  This same person that insulted me a couple of days ago also claims to think that I'm crazy for being happy that Bin Laden's dead, and claiming I should rot in hell. Hey I admit that if I were a bigger person I would be able to do that, but I'm not. He created so much terror for not only us but the people of his country as well as murdering innocent people. If that makes me a bad person according to her, I'll be the bad person for being happy that someone that caused hardship and death for people is gone. He was like Hilter and the whole world was delighted when he was gone. 
So I guess what I'm saying is with the stupid laws and the stupid people they're always going to be around, but you as a person should try and find a balance of what works for you and what you consider stupid. Keeping in mind of course that it's not always so black and white. However meanness is unexceptionable for stupid people. 

I think I might be tripping.

So to all my followers the plans for my world domination have been declared. If you could tell me how you would like to be involved that would be greatly appreciated. But seriously world domination has been put on hold for the time being and perphase forever. Since November a great deal of things have been changing with me personally and around me, and it has only come to my attention recently exactly the things that I really want. The person I thought I was at nineteen or even twenty two isn't the same. Does time really define who we want to become, or circumstances, or maybe even something above.  What's strange to me and oddly welcoming is the things that I want in my life and or important to me aren't the same as they used to be. This is good, it just proves a little challenging sometimes to process. So much of my life, adult years included I struggled with the sense of I wanted to be in a world that wanted me to be exactly what they believed I should be. No this does not included my parents, my parents always made it very clear that as long as I was happy, safe, and had a steady income, I could basically do whatever I wanted.  However when people are learning about the world they assume that they ( A) either know all the answers, ( B) Don't have any idea or ( C) Try and live the way others want them to.
I used to be guilty of C. I didn't know until recently that the only approval I needed was my own. Every choice that I make for the most part is mine, and I own it.  Ironically though until recently I would freak about the choices that I would make and how they would be perceived, and as a result would make decisions that may or may not have been in the best interest of me. As a result of needing to feel that I pleased most people, I would become insanely hard on myself, and what I expected. As a result sometimes that might have swiped into other aspects or relationships. Everyone knows about the dark periods in my life I don't try and hide the fact that they happened, and sometimes they come rarely, but they come. I try and not focus on those because I feel they've been left behind.
What's been interesting is although being home from school since September have driven me slightly mad sometimes, I wonder what would of happened had God or whatever it was to step in and save me from myself? I don't have the answers to that or any idea, but I believe it would have been clautrospic. My health both mental and physical would have continued to decline greatly. School would have become some monster that I didn't enjoy anymore. Everyone knows that I'm hardcore academic, even though the grades may not show it. I feel like since I've been home that I'm healing from so many things. My journey is far from over.

 Everyday I wake up with the concept running in my mind, I'm alive, I'm loved, wanted, and I could just stop and those feelings wouldn't change. I believe once you learn that someone up above loves you, no matter what, it shines through you, and you radiate happiness in that area which allows us to feel happy with the person he created. You were created for a reason, flaws and all.  However I believe that because not only do i radiate that happiness, I'm deserving of the love that I find all around me. I'm blessed in so many ways, and lately when i think about how lucky I am, I start to cry. Tears of joy, and I don't do that. lol.

Things that I thought were lost, have returned to me, and I feel so happy, alive and full of hope. Everyday is a blessing. I wait for some pitfall from all of this, and rarely does it happen. My life isn't perfect there are things that are challenging, but I feel now that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Not that I didn't believe that before, I didn't take it to heart. The answers are shown to you in time, and without struggle the good isn't found or appreciated as much.

Feelings in every sense have changed, things that I thought would never happen, or feelings that I thought were dominate, returned and for once I'm really glad they didn't. Recently a person has come back into my life, and i really like the opportunity to try again. It's odd though maybe it's the fact that Kistin died and how it lingers with me, or maybe it's the fact that I was so on the dark side that we really see how fragile the life experience and life is. This said new/ old discovery of mine was involved in a car accident a couple of days ago. He was fine, but the whole time, I kept thinking what if he wasn't?  which lead to some interesting discoveries, involving a new lease on old feelings.
Rarely are we as people given a new lease on life, or an understanding of what it means in the important ways, and I got mine. So I guess the new lease entails marriage someday, adventures, friends, and hopefully things that make me happy those are the important things.