My World....

  My family tells me all the time that I have a gift for words, and maybe it's part of my curse. My curse makes me think different for the good and the bad. I see the world different, and some may say I'm behind, slow, while others believe that those with my curse are gifted. I choose to believe that I'm like Albert Einstein, only instead of Aspurgers and math, mine's with creativity. I have so much creativity, that seventy five percent of the time, I have no idea what to do with it. I have a disability, plain and simple. One wouldn't know looking at me, or interacting with me for the most part, but if you know me, and know me well enough, after awhile you notice that I do things different. My disability isn't what most people would consider "physical". To some a physical limitation is something you can see, like being in a wheelchair, having Downs Syndrome, missing a limb, or a million others. But just because you can't necessarily  see a difficulty or a challenge, doesn't mean it's not there. I guess why I'm needing and wanting to write this blog, is I'm tired of pretending that there's something wrong with me, and I should hide it. I spent my life, trying to be like everyone else, because I thought it was the best thing, and to be hidden from the rest of the world. My mom would always try and encourage to me to tell whomever I wanted, because it was my choice, and my business, but while still maintaining the idea that nothing was wrong with it. But kids were also cruel about it, and still are. In fact I've met a great deal of adults even people in their fifties who judge it and are cruel. These are the types of people who would may make fun of a disabled checker in a grocery store. I can hide it if I want, but why should I. I didn't choose this, and I don't think I should be blamed for it. 

So what I have plain and simple, but it's a complex and pretty all encompassing idea of how to be disabled. There are several terms which all coincide with each of them. The first is a little called a Sensory Processing Disorder, which basically means that messages in my brain get congested, and the response time is often times later than it would be with normal people. This affects me in numerous ways it affects my processing of information, such as when I would write papers, I would have great ideas about what I wanted to say, but I always had trouble figuring out where the information went in a timeline. When my brain learns new information, it basically has to reroute where the information will be store, and then to unearth the information at a later time, requires more effort and energy as well.  But it's not only through abstract thoughts such as math, but reading was hard for me to learn how to do when I was a kid. Often times my parents would break down information into little bits, so I could chew it better and bit by bit I learned the same material it just took longer.

Organization skills are effected as well such as time management, which is hard sometimes, organizing my things, and keeping a room clean. 

That being said, the processing disorder also affects movement, and signals from the brain, which is where my Fine Motor and Gross Motor Delays come in. My reactions to any movement are actually slower, and take my brain twice as much effort as anyone else. Any physical movement, and you name it takes my brain twice as much effort to do, even walking or sitting up in a chair. I remember when I was a kid, I would have to sit in chairs that had arms to help me sit up straight. I've always had to have note takes, and extended time on tests, because the information has to reroute, and it takes longer for me to be able to access that information in my head. I can't study for very long, otherwise I get overloaded with all the information.

Some people( whom shall not be named) believe that because I have issues, and things to work on that I'm a waste of space, but everyone has issues according to them. I feel like that line is a bunch of bull shit, and what you say, when you're hiding a flaw within yourself and you need to scapegoat it. If you took the time to know me and learn what the hell happens in my head, or why I do strange things maybe you'd get it more. And you'd also realize that Dear God, my default is being happy, and getting into trouble. I'm not something to be pitied, I hate pity. I've always hated it. I can do pretty much everything everyone else can, but I have to do it in my own time and my own way. 

I feel frustrated that people just assume that I'm this weird person, when in a reality, I'm actually pretty normal, I've had to learn how to do things a little different. I graduated from college, which no one believed I would be able to do even when I was little. No one thought that I would be able to have beautiful handwriting that I would be regulated to typing on a computer, which I do pride myself on how quick I am. People thought that I would never learn how to drive a car, but I'm working on that. I get to places on my own. Oh yeah and I was never supposed to be able to ride a bike, yeah I do that too.

The last part that I'm sure people will never understand, nor will they care, they will continue to judge is my disability also affects how I see the world, often times when I'm overloaded or feel pressure I turn it inward and believe its a fault with me. If I have too much of this I go inside myself. If there's too much going on in a situation, often times it can be too much. Everything in life both abstract, or physical has to be processed and it takes me twice as long. Even my emotions, and relationships can be scary and hard because I'm basically having to learn how another person thinks, and they can be completely different and that's still more information to take in.

But bottom line don't pity, try and understand, and don't think you have the answers or know everything when you don't. IN THE END YOU HAVE NO IDEA UNLESS YOU ASK ABOUT IT, INSTEAD OF JUDGING SOMETHING THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.