My World....

  My family tells me all the time that I have a gift for words, and maybe it's part of my curse. My curse makes me think different for the good and the bad. I see the world different, and some may say I'm behind, slow, while others believe that those with my curse are gifted. I choose to believe that I'm like Albert Einstein, only instead of Aspurgers and math, mine's with creativity. I have so much creativity, that seventy five percent of the time, I have no idea what to do with it. I have a disability, plain and simple. One wouldn't know looking at me, or interacting with me for the most part, but if you know me, and know me well enough, after awhile you notice that I do things different. My disability isn't what most people would consider "physical". To some a physical limitation is something you can see, like being in a wheelchair, having Downs Syndrome, missing a limb, or a million others. But just because you can't necessarily  see a difficulty or a challenge, doesn't mean it's not there. I guess why I'm needing and wanting to write this blog, is I'm tired of pretending that there's something wrong with me, and I should hide it. I spent my life, trying to be like everyone else, because I thought it was the best thing, and to be hidden from the rest of the world. My mom would always try and encourage to me to tell whomever I wanted, because it was my choice, and my business, but while still maintaining the idea that nothing was wrong with it. But kids were also cruel about it, and still are. In fact I've met a great deal of adults even people in their fifties who judge it and are cruel. These are the types of people who would may make fun of a disabled checker in a grocery store. I can hide it if I want, but why should I. I didn't choose this, and I don't think I should be blamed for it. 

So what I have plain and simple, but it's a complex and pretty all encompassing idea of how to be disabled. There are several terms which all coincide with each of them. The first is a little called a Sensory Processing Disorder, which basically means that messages in my brain get congested, and the response time is often times later than it would be with normal people. This affects me in numerous ways it affects my processing of information, such as when I would write papers, I would have great ideas about what I wanted to say, but I always had trouble figuring out where the information went in a timeline. When my brain learns new information, it basically has to reroute where the information will be store, and then to unearth the information at a later time, requires more effort and energy as well.  But it's not only through abstract thoughts such as math, but reading was hard for me to learn how to do when I was a kid. Often times my parents would break down information into little bits, so I could chew it better and bit by bit I learned the same material it just took longer.

Organization skills are effected as well such as time management, which is hard sometimes, organizing my things, and keeping a room clean. 

That being said, the processing disorder also affects movement, and signals from the brain, which is where my Fine Motor and Gross Motor Delays come in. My reactions to any movement are actually slower, and take my brain twice as much effort as anyone else. Any physical movement, and you name it takes my brain twice as much effort to do, even walking or sitting up in a chair. I remember when I was a kid, I would have to sit in chairs that had arms to help me sit up straight. I've always had to have note takes, and extended time on tests, because the information has to reroute, and it takes longer for me to be able to access that information in my head. I can't study for very long, otherwise I get overloaded with all the information.

Some people( whom shall not be named) believe that because I have issues, and things to work on that I'm a waste of space, but everyone has issues according to them. I feel like that line is a bunch of bull shit, and what you say, when you're hiding a flaw within yourself and you need to scapegoat it. If you took the time to know me and learn what the hell happens in my head, or why I do strange things maybe you'd get it more. And you'd also realize that Dear God, my default is being happy, and getting into trouble. I'm not something to be pitied, I hate pity. I've always hated it. I can do pretty much everything everyone else can, but I have to do it in my own time and my own way. 

I feel frustrated that people just assume that I'm this weird person, when in a reality, I'm actually pretty normal, I've had to learn how to do things a little different. I graduated from college, which no one believed I would be able to do even when I was little. No one thought that I would be able to have beautiful handwriting that I would be regulated to typing on a computer, which I do pride myself on how quick I am. People thought that I would never learn how to drive a car, but I'm working on that. I get to places on my own. Oh yeah and I was never supposed to be able to ride a bike, yeah I do that too.

The last part that I'm sure people will never understand, nor will they care, they will continue to judge is my disability also affects how I see the world, often times when I'm overloaded or feel pressure I turn it inward and believe its a fault with me. If I have too much of this I go inside myself. If there's too much going on in a situation, often times it can be too much. Everything in life both abstract, or physical has to be processed and it takes me twice as long. Even my emotions, and relationships can be scary and hard because I'm basically having to learn how another person thinks, and they can be completely different and that's still more information to take in.

But bottom line don't pity, try and understand, and don't think you have the answers or know everything when you don't. IN THE END YOU HAVE NO IDEA UNLESS YOU ASK ABOUT IT, INSTEAD OF JUDGING SOMETHING THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

A Fairy Tale

Once Upon A Time, there lived a beautiful princess. Ok she wasn't actually a princess, but her parents deemed her one, not because of her beauty, but because she brought so much love and joy into their lives. She was the essence of what a little girls should be. She was sweet, loving, kind, loved animals, and had a sense of spunk to her, which always got her into situations that were funny and entertaining in the end. 
Life wasn't always easy for the princess, her parents or her older brother there were many battles that had to be won in order to continue on, but the little family in the kingdom fought together and carried on. The king and queen loved the prince and princess so much so that they would give up anything for them, and often times, they themselves went without. The prince and princess had the best of food, health care, good clothing, shoes, you name it. They always had everything they needed, they didn't always get what they wanted, but they never went without for the things they needed. 
The king often times would slave at a job that he hated, so the queen could stay and take care of the children and give them the best of everything. You see the prince and princess had a lot of things that they themselves had to deal with, between food allergies that were extremely debilitating, to disabilities  and so many things in between  Despite all of that the little family carried on, happy in their own little world, loving each other and caring about each other. 
Time went on, the family move different places, the children tried different schools. Every time a place for whatever reason would not work, like a home, or a school for both of the children, the king and queen would step back and figure out how to improve the lives of their children. But the king and queen did more then just fix things and comfort when things were horribly bad, they were always there for them, the good times, and the bad. 
The family laughed together, cried, fought for the others, and all of them were proud that they were linked. No one in the family was anything less than deserving to be in their little kingdom. 
The king and queen grew old as their children grew up, and as the current economy tanked, and they were not where they would of been if they had not had their children financially  often times as their children achieved milestones such as graduating college, or becoming who they were supposed to be, the parents grew more and more proud of the prince and princess. 
The prince meet a wonderful maiden  and feel madly in love with her. The two of them married and lived happily ever after. 
Although the princess was slower then the prince with finishing things, there was nothing but love and respect from all for the princess for all the good that she did and all that she achieved when she had such difficulties in the beginning. 
She truly was a princess beloved by all, and sure she made mistakes and messed up, but in the end she knew that she was loved and wanted always. The parents that she had received in the end only looked up at pride at her, not just because of all that she had accomplished, but who she had become. The princess had to give most of the credit to the family she had growing up, and the family and friends that have always backed her to give her strength to get through anything and make her strong. 
The princess would wade through whatever storms that would come her way, and in the end the princess would be happy because she knew that the most important part of her life would always exist  and that would be love. Love from family and friends, deep love that she deserved because of who she was, and how she treated people, and it wouldn't matter what others thought because in the end she would know where and who she was. The people that knew and loved her would always be with her forever. 

Life , an update

It's hard to believe that a year has passed since I last blogged, and truth is it has nothing to do with the lack of followers. Maybe in the beginning, but I feel the need to write.... To write for me and where my life is going. To look back and see all the changes since last May is insane. 
I thought things would be one way, but its funny how when you think something that is supposed to happen doesn't and instead you're left with this even more magical surprise. 
So I've had a job for over six months, that I never thought in a million years that I could do, and for the most part I can, but I'm growing weary of it. Maybe its the lack of security surrounding it, or maybe I'm ready for yet another adventure. I worked through Christmas  I could say my opinions about the job, but I won't. I think it says enough that I'm ready for something more.
I turned twenty five and that I guess triggered the rest of everything needing to be different. I mean I'm actually engaged to my best friend, whom a year ago I never thought I would of dated. I thought that oh it's just my sister. Funny how that all turns out, but maybe in a way, not putting any pressure on a relationship  and letting it be whatever it's going to be in its own time, is the important  part. Without pressure, without expectations  without anything, but enjoying the moment.  So I could go into the details on how it occurred but that's another story, but I'm sure in the moments to come, everyone will hear it. 
The wedding won't be for awhile since we need to get an apartment first ,so we're thinking July 11, 2015. And we also know how long it will take me to find whatever I want, and figure it out. 
So that's it all in a nutshell, and maybe I don't have any many opinions as I used to, but I have dreams, and plans, which make a difference. I'm also taking a test for a permit next week,