MY REVOULTION

Generally when we think of July we think of the United States and their indepence from Britian, France's stroming of the Bastile with Bastile day, but this July I've had my own battles and my own struggle for indepence. It seems like everything that can go wrong will go wrong. I guess that's the theme of this month when it comes to my life. First of all I've been finding that somethings trigger my notrious panic attacks, some of the things I can control and remove from my life others like my parents I can't. I know as young adults we're always looking to find our own sense of idnenity outside of our parental units, but what I've found challanging and a potenital battle is my Mother is leaning towards the same style I have. First it was the clothes, understandable and it didn't matter too much because she was once place and I was at another. But I've found that since she's started wearing Victoria Secret Makeup in colors I like, and basically doing her hair like mine, I find my sense of indepence a great deal like the American Revoultion, the struggle for indepence from the mother country. I do not wish to be like Britian, however there are somethings that I will keep because it's my backround, but much like the real Britian the mother country does not understand that I do not wish to be like her, and I want my own sense of idneity. Sure there are some cases where it is good to be like her, but dead god I always feel like it's chronic that I'm supposed to be her, particuallarly in times of stress. Like this afternoon she went off with my dad for the night, and I had to call her back home because I couldn't use the lock on the door, because the lock is evil. I tried and tried to make it work, and ulimately spent three hours crying after she came and went because I basically screwed everything up. Much like the Americans doing the revoultion I fear the mother country and I want to be able to declare my indepence. My mother is everywhere and I want my own grounds to stand on, where I don't always feel like I'm in her shadow and being her instead of me. Which is one of the reasons I'm tempted to delete my facebook because she's there and I so want a space apart from my parents that's all mine. My mom can be incrediably hard and sometimes I would love not to deal with that. I find it very hard to breath and relax since being home since December, and am counting down the days till my escape to school. At this rate I may not go home for Thanksgiving, I'm really not too sure.
My secound revoultion involved friends, and signficant others and a real assement of them. In the end I found that those who were my true friends gave a crap about me and cared the best that they knew how to. Of those friends I know that I can them anything even though I choose not to, they encourage it and I feel grateful beyond imagion to them, the others who simply did not try have been in away cast off, and reassessted in their aspects. People have different levels of friends, but I know the ones that I will keep without a doubt, and I never question that.
Since my relationship ended I found that I'm meant for greater and more meaningful things in a place where it actually matters truly to someone. So the Keith Harkin hunt continues once more, as if it ever stopped. And the more I learn about this famous, sexy man the more I realize I want to meet him. I think he and  I would be great friends at least. So my plans involve somehow meeting him and praying that the next time I'm free I can go see him in concert or maybe go to Ireland and find him. To the end of a relationship I find it rather mornic how it was ended, but alas I will continue on like I always do with my friends and my dreams. And that revolution was won of weeding out the bad seeds and finding out more of who I am. In the end I will be happy and those who lost me or hurt me will someday regret it. Karma's a bitch and there is a reason everyone likes me.

Is Loyalty Dead?

Since December I've been learning a great deal about myself, and what trully makes me the person I am. I think for the most part, I do an excellent job of managing everything, that is until something comes from a far that I didn't plan on. All I know is everything that I hoped for in people is competely gone, any sense of loyalty, sincereity, kindness, and everything like that is completely gone, even those whom you would think should poccess or care about the loyalty frankly don't. It's all about serving themselves and making themselves happy. I would think that caring about someone and trying to be a friend would be important enough, but I guess in the end to everyone else it's not. Yesterday and today I've found out who my true friends are and I find that few of them are actually true. For every ten that supposedly care, only one actually takes the time to listen to help. Even those who you would think would want to help, and are supposedly in love with you, continue the samethings without thinking about how their actions could hurt you. So in all reality no one actually cares about another. I think a great deal of changes have to occur this week. Loyalty to your friends or even signifiacant others must be dead in our society, but in all reality, little can be said about it if the person doesn't really care in the begining. All I know is I guess I'm cleaning out my closet, and there will be massive, massive cuts and changes. I don't expect alot or too much from people, but in all reality, if people are truly like this I'd rather be alone, or with those who actually care and don't want to hurt me. They take time to understand to listen. Friendship isn't a one way street, and maybe in some regards I'd like to fall back into a cave, at least I couldn't be hurt over and over again.